Flaw in the System

1

First couple of chapter are an intro so you know more about the character.

Do you ever wonder how it would be? To feel alive? I wish I did. I don't understand why I feel this way. My bones ache no matter how many times I've stretched and warmed them. My head gets dizzy, swirls in circle as I lay still; Every now and then, it would feel like it was filled with helium and i would lift my head, but only for it to hit the pillow in heaviness. My body stagnant on a mattress but it feels like I'm floating. My feelings swim in my stomach, bathing in bitter acid and sadness. My eyes match my mind as it can't stay focused on one thing. I think I hear myself whine, but everything is so intense I'm almost numb and I can't tell who's making what noises.

Longing. I can feel it in my veins. I want to lift myself from this room and climb out my window. Look down all those floors and at the ground. Do you know how high I'm up? At least 30 or 40 feet. I could jump. Feel the rush that I long for, but I would die. I wouldn't get to feel it again... But, death seems like such an adventurous journey. Even more so when it's spontaneous.

I don't know why I do this. I don't know why i have this need. I can't sleep until I have something to make me feel alive, until i get that dose- I'm plagued with thoughts of mistakes and death.

Written confessions have lined this notebook. The nights i drove my car over 100MPH, darting between cars in the early morning. To walk out stores with items I have taken a liking to that are way above my paycheck- something that can cost my freedom. To play with knives between my fingers and felt the blood stain my hands and forearms. To write thoughts that would put m-

"C'mon, Jae! Don't be late for class!"

She closed her book.

Set a pretty smile on her pink stained lips.

Smoothed out her outfit.

Fixed her "Vote me for student president!" Button.

And walked to class.