minnow // sirius black

thirty-seven

37 ; fighting

There were very few things Sirius and I could together. Before Fleamont, everything we did together was done comfortably. We could cook together, pull weeds, play with Esme, sleep.

After I lost our son, after Sirius left when I needed him, after our son was pried from my body...

I could hardly look at him.

For three weeks, if he and I were in the same room, I'd get so unreasonably angry. He slept in our bedroom, while I either slept in Esme's room, or in the attic with Kayla. Dean would sleep on the couch those nights, but he didn't mind.

When Kayla took Riley back to their home in Scotland, I didn't leave Dean's side for a week. I slept in the attic with him, on the futon sofa that Riley had slept on.

The only thing Sirius and I could do together was silence. If he spoke, I yelled. If I spoke, he'd walk away.

It was awful, for everyone.

Lily and James left after a week of this, Kayla and Riley left after a month - mostly because Riley was supposed to start a dance class, but also because Kayla didn't want Riley around Sirius and I's fighting.

Dean had no choice, so he did his best to stay in his room, with Esme, or keep the two of us separate.

All four of us were in the living room and kitchen. Sirius was sitting on the couch, with Esme, while Dean hovered in the kitchen; pretending to get a glass of soda.

"Can we talk?"

"Why?"

I heard Dean cooing at Esme to get her attention. I heard her giggle as he swooped down to pick her up. She'd been walking in circles around the ottoman, playing with Sirius, until he moved to stand near me. I heard Dean tell Esme he'd read her as many stories as she wanted, and I heard her squeal in excitement.

"Jemina, you can't keep ignoring me."

"I can, and I will."

"Please look at me."

"I'd rather not."

"Why?"

"Because all I see is my dead son. All I see is being pried open, alone. All I see is your anger."

He didn't respond for a moment, and I gave Biscuit a little pat as I lowered his food into the cage. I wiggled it around, waiting for him to take it.

"You haven't looked at me in two months, Jemina," Sirius said quietly. "You haven't even spoken to me as if I was anything resembling your boyfriend."

Biscuit took the rat, and I turned to Sirius.

"Because you aren't."

The words left my mouth in a growl, and I could feel them as they dug into his heart. I could feel them as they stabbed him in the gut.

As they tore my heart from my chest.

"If it weren't for the fact that you have nowhere else to go, and the fact that Esme notices when you're gone, you wouldn't be here."

"You'd kick me out?"

"No, you'd have left on your own."

"What-"

"Look me in the eye, and tell me you want to be here. For a reason other than for Esme."

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, and I stared at him. His dark eyes were locked on mine, but he didn't open his mouth for a long moment.