ALL THE WRONGS • DIVERGENT ERIC FANFICTION

chapter 68 | love me enough

VENUS

"YOU HAVE a habit of collapsing, Venus." A voice says. I jolt awake like I'm suddenly out of water, and I need the air.

"I told them." I blurt out. Emily is sitting by the bed. "I told them all. Everything. Everything that I wanted to keep to myself."

I wanted to punch something. A wall, myself. "Why couldn't I control what I said? Did it not mean anything to me?"

"Of course it meant everything to you." Emily says gently, touching my arm. "Do you remember what you said out there? You didn't know why he couldn't control himself under that simulation - you thought he didn't love you enough."

I glare at her.

"But he probably did, Venus." Emily tried explaining quickly when I started to get up and pace. She knew I hated the mention of what had happened all those years ago. She hadn't brought it up once, and now she was ranting to make up for keeping her opinion quiet all this time. "It was the simulation speaking last night, and it was the simulation speaking to Eric all those years ago."

I spin on my heel, facing her. My cheeks feel red, burning. I'm angry, angry at everything. I just want to be mad. I just want to be mad at someone. "Eric still hurt me! Simulation or not!"

"But he didn't mean it! It wasn't him!" Emily tried to say. "Nothing like that is going to happen again. Ever. So why? Why are you running?"

"What changed?" I snap. "You hated him. Hated what he did. Did whatever you could to hide me from anything that might be a link to him. So why have you changed your mind?"

"Because we've been running for so long, Venus, we're going to hit a dead end. This feel likes a dead end. I just... I just need you to think of every single scenario, every possible thing that could happen so when you finally come face to face with him, it won't be as bad."

I had to agree that it felt like a dead end. The entire world was a dead end. At first, it was so parallel, a beautiful world even with it's flaws. But now it's just two horizontal lines, inverting toward each other, and when the meet everything will turn upside down.

I also had to agree that you can only run for so long before you get tired. And my legs were aching, my chest was pounding, a sweat coated my forehead whenever I saw the blackness of Dauntless uniform. It was like running a race. It was just so exhausting.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Emily furrowed her brows. "Really? You agree with me?"

"I agree that everything is tying together in one big knot. I know I can't keep running. I know that. I just hope I could reverse time. Go back to when everything was perfect."

Emily chuckled lightly. "But even then, we didn't think it was perfect. We still thought it was a mess."

"We did." I remember the lightness in my feet as we sprinted around the Dauntless compound - me, Emily and Harmonie. The nervousness when we got tattoos and piercings, the chocolate cake... And then the bad things - the fights we didn't always win, visiting day, and the thought of getting kicked out.

I wish I had just gotten kicked out when I was given the chance.

"Maybe one day it will actually be perfect. And we'll think back and wonder how we coped."

***

Candor gave us refuge, knowing we had no other place to go. I wore white everyday - white blouses, white t-shirt dresses and black accessories to blend in.

We're standing in the lobby. I had left Aria sleeping in her cot - it was the afternoon, and she was tired. Sometimes I wish I was her age again - and I could just sleep peacefully whenever I wanted. It feels like I haven't slept peacefully in so long.