Warped

Chapter 40: Lukas

Guilt. My stomach churning in it. Muscles tight with it. Guilt lacing into every thought, burning in my heart. It has my teeth grit together, curls in my tail, makes my fur bristle against my skin.

Yet is there any regret? Or is this all just guilt?

Snarling, I snatch the pots I had Jesse set down. Almost slamming them down, not even carrying where I put them. It's not my fault, I had to send Jesse away. There was no choice in the matter. If he stayed while I'm not in control of my own emotions, that would be terrible. I don't want to put more stress on him if he had to control his wither, it's best this way.

The guilt, the guilt still presses on my shoulders. Unrelenting and heavy, it refuses to let me accept that.

My stomach gurgles at me, whether with guilt or hunger, I can't tell. I haven't drank or eaten anything, and after the exercise session Gabriel dragged me into, I don't want to think about this. I'm still all worked up about whether or not we're going to be exiles after tonight.

My tail snaps in the air, anxious and sorry for pushing away Jesse. Thoughts snapping back to him.

He actually tried to speak to me! Why would he even try? Even just the simple word 'no' came out as a screech. Jesse knows he can't do these things anymore, I know that too! That's why I needed him to leave, or else nothing good would have happened.

The sun dips lower into the horizon, and I can't help but feel a bit tired when the room darkens. I can still see perfectly well, I can stay awake perfectly fine, but I just want to lay down. Lay down and not deal with any of this. Push it away and curl up in a numb little ball praying that the world doesn't drag me back into it.

Growling, I push the thought away. Olivia really will get Petra to yank me into the real world if I do that, and after our discussion earlier, I don't think I could hold a conversation with her. The more I think about, the more I think she's right, the more I want to refuse it. I have no good reason to refuse the idea, it would actually be a lot nicer to know how to predict how Jesse's going to react based on if it's a threat or not, but I do. Maybe I'm just so sick of having my world flipped around so often I just want to say I am right on this, I am and not anyone else.

I glance out at the window, watching the sun shrink slowly. Only a bit longer until this all plays out, and we'll probably leave soon so we can roll around in the mud and look awful and get to our place. After that, we all have to act miserable. Which won't be too hard, not at all.

Distantly I scratch at a pot I placed, thoughts swirling and fostering in my head. From what Gabriel told me when we were exercising, Jesse will be on a lookout. He's going to be making sure no wild animal, or worse, a demon scout, interrupts us.

Only a sliver of the sun remains as even that recedes from view. Another twenty four hours will pass, and the sun will be doing the exact same thing. It will be doing the exact same thing despite whatever's about to happen. The sun won't change at all.

Everything else will change, everything for us will change. We might be kicked out of town, I might never see this room again despite spending most of the day organizing it. We might be accepted, I might actually go out and eat or something. We might be able to convince the townspeople that Jesse isn't the same but he's not a monster, or maybe Jesse will just be a secret. So much will be determined in just twenty four hours.

A screech pierces my ears, and I flinch. Only for my eyes to see the claws sticking out of my hand, scratch marks on the pot. Just another reason that I had to send Jesse away, I'm not even in control of myself.

Sighing, I sheath the claws and let them rake through my hair. My ears twitching at the touch, and twitching again when I hear soft footsteps. Very soft, which means they can't belong to anyone but Olivia.