After the Honeymoon: A fifty shades fan fiction

Chapter 8

Kate arrived 3 hours later. I felt like a nervous wreck. All my clothing and personal items were packed and ready to go by the door when Kate arrive. Stacey and Kate helped me pile all my bags into the trunk of her blue Nissan maxima.

"Are you ready, Ana?" Kate asked

"I think that i have to be" I answered with uncertainty

"Good luck, Ana. I hope things work out for you" Stacey said walking back to the house

Kate and I got into the car and drove off. She stopped at a drive-thru for coffee before heading on to the highway. Going back to Seattle was going to be challenging. Would i be able to get my job back at SIP or would i have to job hunt again? What kind of tactics was Christian going to try on me once i was back in Seattle? All of it scared me? My heart was beating out of my chest for most of the drive back to Seattle. was glad that i had Kate to talk to, she was such a great listener.

"I'm scared, Kate?" I said "I don't know if Christian is ready right now"

"Your doing the right thing. You are taking things slow. I was relieved when you called me about staying with Elliot and I because i didn't want you living with Christian" Kate replied.

"Your support is everything for me Kate" i answered "How is Elliot and Mia taking the break-up between me and Christian?"

"They don't have any of the details. They want things to go back to normal. Christian's issues are a mystery to everyone"

"The depth of his pain was more than i imagined" I said feeling tears well up in my eyes.

Kate wrapped her arms around me "You are strong and will overcome this. If your love is meant to be, the man you fell in love with will return" Kate reassured me.

Kate and I didn't arrive at her place till late in the day. We both agreed that stopping wasn't necessary, she wanted to be home in time to see Elliot when he came home from work. She showed me the guest room that i would be staying in. There was a single bed and dresser. The room was an off white color and small, but in my mind it was perfect. A place where i could collect my thoughts. A fortress of solitude. I unpacked all my items placing my clothes in the drawers. I placed my hygiene items on top of the dresser but a majority of my things i left in bags under my bed. I wasn't sure how long my stay would be.

Christian

I felt like a complete monster. I loved Ana, what was i doing. My physical desires and needs could surely be controlled. I was so used to getting exactly what i wanted i forgot what it was like to think of others, especially Ana. I wanted Ana to love me. I'm sure that she hates me for all my selfish ways. Lina's reject stung like walking on hot coals. I needed to find myself again. i needed to see Dr. _ , i needed a guide. I felt like i was spiralling out of control. I knew that i needed help. Could i be fixed? will i be a sexual deviant forever? Ana wanted a normal relationship, but here i was looking for a woman to whip. I needed to feel better and hitting a vulnerable naked woman always seemed to fill that void. When i met Ana i knew that there was hope, but apart of me wanted to keep my BDSM fantasies. I could not have both. I needed to choose, Ana or to follow my fantasies. It was wrong to approach Lina the way that i did. Why was i sabotaging my chances with Ana. Did i feel that there was no hope? Or was it because i thought that i could take home Lina without Ana knowing? I needed to speak to Dr. Engel.

"Hi It's Christian Grey. Is Dr. Engel available for an emergency appointment" I asked.

"I could get you in for 2 pm. Does that fit in to your schedule?" replied the secretary typing furiously.

"I can" I answered

"Great! see you at 2pm" She said before hanging up the phone.

I'll feel better once i speak to Dr. Engel.

I walked into Dr. Engel office to check in, before i could sit down in the waiting room Dr. _ came out to greet me. My body relaxed as soon as i saw him. I had so much baggage to of load.

"Come right in" Dr. Engel said motioning for me to walk into his office.

"Thank you for seeing me on short notice" I replied.

"What can i help you with?" He asked closing the door and motioning for me to sit on the couch.

"I think that i ruined my marriage" I said starting to pace.

"Why do you feel that way Christian?" He asked calmly "What happened?"

"I got desperate" I began "I called Lina"

"Why did you call Lina, What made you seek her out?" Dr. Engel asked

"I've been feeling so angry and frustrated" I replied.

"Are you angry at Ana because she left you? or are you angry because you can't control her" He asked me.

"I don't know" i sighed through clenched teeth. "Maybe i'm just fucked up sicko that doesn't deserve love. Especially not from Ana"

"Everyone deserves love, Christian. It doesn't matter who they are or what they have done" Dr. Engel replied.

"I don't think that she will take me back" I cried pressing my fingers through my hair. I stood up, no longer able to sit in the chair. My body was shaking from internal stress.

"Didn't she move back to Seattle?" asked

"Yes but she's not coming home" I exclaimed "She's at Kate's and who knows what kind of crazy shit she told Kate about me"

"Did you stop all communication with Elena?" Dr. Engel asked

"Yes" I replied pacing around the room "I haven't spoke to her in 3 months. I miss it at times but i'm doing fine without her. I need Ana."

"I think what you need to do is speak to Ana. Tell her how you feel. Tell her about your meeting with Lina. She needs to see progress, she needs to see that you regret it. You are a tortured man, but you are not without hope" Dr. Engel said

His words resonated with me. I knew that he was right. I need to tell Ana, give her the option to come back to me. If she can support me and work with me i knew that i could overcome this pain.