After the Honeymoon: A fifty shades fan fiction

Chapter 18

Ana POV

Something inside of me told me "Don't go" as I grabbed my coat and purse. However, at the slightest thought of reconciliation I had to anyway. If Christian and I could just put all our emotions, needs and desires on the table I knew that we would discover that we were on the same path together. We were just getting there in different ways. The whole way over I went over what I would say in the car to him and what his response back to me would be.

Ana I love you. I'm sorry.

I love you too. Let's work this out.

If he didn't care he would have given up a long time ago and moved on. I texted him with excitement to let him know I was here as soon as I parked out front of the condo we once shared.

"i'll be waiting." He responded

I used my code and key to get into the top level penthouse suite. I took a breath just outside the door grabbing my wits and strength to prepare myself as I walked into condo. despite my pep talk in the car an element of uncertainty still hung in the air like a rain cloud waiting to storm. I found Christian sitting on the couch in front of a large black TV screen with his head hung low. When he heard the clicking of the front door he pulled his head up, softening his face allowing for a small smile to creep across.

"Ana," He exclaimed "For a minute there I thought you wouldn't come."

"I love you," I answered "Why wouldn't I come."

"Things have been so rocky lately," He said stretching his muscular arms out for a hug.

I allowed myself to crumble into his embrace but not without a little hesitation. Somehow it felt fake and forced. Both of us had our reservations.

"You look beautiful," He gushed

"Thank you," I answered. I was more than willing to accept a compliment but I not want in no way for that to cloud judgement.

"Without further wasting your time. I just want to come out and say that I love you and nothing would make me happier than to have you back here. Where you belong," He started opening his arms to display the vastness of the apartment "We an put the events of these past few months behind us. I'm not the type to hold grudges. It's simply wasted energy that I don't like to waste."

He took a deep breath as though trying to prepare himself as though he was delivering bad news. "I have specific needs that I was very forthcoming about at the beginning of our relationship that I was under the impression we were both on board about." He started

"Christian, You don't nee..."I started

"Just wait, Ana i'm not done." He snapped. His face visibly angry but still in control. He brought his hand up to point at me as though to scold me like a child that had gotten out of line. "Part of a relationship is compromise and working together. Which I am fully willing to do with you but at this point you have not reciprocated. This isn't fair for me. I have given you dates, flowers and over-the-top gifts. Which I have not done for any other woman but you. Things I never did till I met you, and not once have you tried things my way. I have a whole world of pleasure that I have been waiting to show you."

"Christian," I said softly after he had finished "I want to make you happy and don't get me wrong I'm sure that there are many pleasures that I haven't experienced yet through your eccentric bedroom lifestyle but I'm not ready for them."

"I don't mind waiting Ana," He replied "I'm quite patient but I do not want to wait half my life waiting for you to become 'ready'. The issue here is that you have not trusted me enough to guide you through it. You have this idea that it is painful and degrading but it is quite the opposite I can assure you. You have more control than you realize."

"It's partially the fear of pain but we have tried things your way a few times and I have always felt degraded. I do trust you. I would not have allowed you to put me in the situation if I didn't but I can't escape how I feel. I know you love me and with love comes sacrifice. You weren't born with this need. This was a learned behaviour from Miss Robinson and you do not have to continue to do these things to me. We can have a normal like together." I explained. I was struggling to keep the overwhelming flood of emotions that were taking over me. My legs felt like jelly. Even my arms felt like heavy noodles hanging from my shoulders. It took all I had to keep myself from falling over.

Christian took a step back as though evaluating me. There was a marked moment of hesitation where we both waited for the other to speak. Maybe we both just needed more time to evaluate the situation were both in. What were we both willing to lose? Would he give up BDSM for good? Would I ever be able to hand myself over tom him completely in body and mind and succumb to countless pleasures that he was promising?

"Ana," He whispered

"Christian," I responded in the same low gentle tone.

"Would you come with me to the red room?" He asked. His facing looking more towards the ground than into my eyes.

I gave a long sigh before I felt my mind comply. What would happen would be new to both of us. He had done so many of these practices to other women but never to me. I had never allowed it. There had always been a conservative moral voice inside me that told me it was wrong and I was worth more. Things were different now. He was my husband, whom I had sworn to love and uphold. Couples did BDSM all the time and maintained wonderful healthy relationships outside the bedroom. I looked over at this face. He had a soft loving expression spread across it, there was no hint of the anger from earlier. He offered his hand to me and I took it.