To Be A Hero

Chapter 8: Better The Devil You Know

"I know we've talked about this, but really, Five, you don't have to do it.

I sigh, clenching my jaw and restraining from groaning aloud.

"We have other options to find out everything Moonchild knew about the Viking cure." Sam pauses. "Okay, not a lot of options, but some. Paula hasn't had an attack since Veronica's kidnapping. So that's like, a week and a half almost?

"What I'm saying is, even if you find those medical texts about hypnosis, we don't have to use them. Maxine just wants to have a look. She reckons she might be able to put you into a light trance, and that might help you recover memories of whatever Moonchild told you about the Vikings. I mean, if she did, which we don't know if she did. It's just a run to the library for now.

"Alright. Raise the gates! Covering fire, and go!"

I run, gritting my teeth, but not speaking.

"New Canton is sending one of their new Ministry secondments with you, as close as the Ministry could find to a Viking expert. I think I know her, actually. She'll rendezvous with you on the way there. And uh, yeah, they say that the university library's not so structurally sound anymore, so you'll need to be a quick in and out."

"Okay," I reply.

"And I'm serious, you don't have to do it. No one will think less of you. None of us want Moonchild back-"

"Stop," I grit out. "Just stop."

He takes a moment to reply. "Stop what?"

"Stop lying to me," I reply. It's been five days since my anxiety attack, and Milo catching me after I destroyed a punching back. Before Sam seemed really encouraging about trying the hypnosis thing, but now he's backed off. I know it's because he believes one of the reasons I flipped out was because of the stress I'm under about my decision on the hypnosis.

"I-I'm not lying."

"You are. 'No one will think any less of you.' Bullshit. If I don't do this, and we don't find a cure quickly enough, and Paula ends up... then everyone will wonder what would've happened if I hadn't been so selfish." I pause, closing my eyes for a split second. "Even though I want to be selfish... and I want to say no to this, because I'm scared of what she possibly could have done to me that she wanted me to forget..."

My voice cracks, and I hear Sam's breath hitch.

"I... Five..."

"Please, just stop. I've already made my decision. There's no need to... say those kinds of things, especially when they're not true."

I'm scared, truly. Maybe not wanting to know makes me a coward. Maybe I'm a horrible person for wanting to stay in the dark over what happened in the two or three weeks Moonchild had hold of me. Maybe it makes me a bad person for wanting to put my mental health over Paula's physical health, but I do.

I don't want to do this.

But I'm going to.

Because that's what heroes do. And to everyone else, that's exactly what I am. And since I'm seen as one, I might as well act like one.

They take the pain and heartache and damage and they keep pushing on. They keep on going and they keep doing the right thing even if it kills them.

Because heroes don't get to be happy.

"But-"

"Oh, look, I think I see our Viking expert now," I say, glad for her to have shown up when she did. I know Sam is only trying to make me feel at ease, but he's really not helping. I already feel terrible because I know the risks of what could happen, but I can't say no, not when my memories could help in finding a cure. Paula is running out of time. I can't just let her die.