To Be A Hero

Chapter 38: Falling Inside The Black

Trigger warning:
Suicide attempt in this chapter. If that offends you or makes you uncomfortable, do not read this chapter. View discretion is advised.

"Now, it's been-knowing you has just been the best there ever was."

"I'm not leaving-"

"Sorry, Singer."

"No! No, Sam!"

"You are the best, the finest. Just, I'm so glad to have lived through all of this with you. And you'll be fine. Remember, Owen? You said she'd be fine without me. You'll all be fine-"

He screams.

I wake up.

Everything hurts.

I sit up, the sound of the heart monitor beeping away, but I don't notice that. I don't notice anything, not really. It's all dull, as if I'm not actually here, as if I'm still in the dream.

Sam's dead.

"Mum?"

I look to my left, and there sits Milo and Penelope, both seeming to be waking up. Once they realize I'm awake, they jump up, rushing towards me, but not embracing me. It's because of my wounds, I'm guessing, which I now see are wrapped up and clean.

But that doesn't matter.

Because Sam's dead.

"How long have I been out?" I croak, my eyes downcast.

"Ten hours," Milo replies. "They had to give you a blood transfusion."

"Ten hours," I whisper. "Sam's been dead for ten hours."

I look at Milo, tears already welling up in my eyes, and I see that they're welling up in his as well.

"I'm sorry, Mum. I'm really sorry," He says, choking on his words. "If I'd been a better operator-if I'd seen Tom get up or seen that zombie getting that close to Steve, maybe I could've..." He starts to sob. "I'm sorry. This is all my fault."

I suck in a breath of air sharply, tears still falling. I grab his face into my hands and shake my head.

"No. No, this was not your fault. None of this was your fault. You were an amazing operator. The best I've ever had. You showed more courage and skill that any of the junior operators I knew at the A.M.T.B., and that's... what gives me the confidence that you will be an amazing runner someday."

He sniffles, bringing up a hand to wipe the tears. "Veronica wanted me to help her in the labs, but I didn't want to leave you alone."

"Thank you, darling, but it's okay. I think... there are people I need to talk to later today, and... it's best that you and your sister aren't here for that." I turn to Penelope, looking at her wide eyes. So innocent, so good. I hate that she was exposed to all that chaos and death yesterday. It kills me inside. "You were so brave, staying in the coms shack with your brother. You were so brave. I'm so proud of you. But I'd like to be alone now. So please, um, come back later, okay?"

Neither of the two children seem sure about my request, but they nod, slowly stepping out of the room, their eyes never leaving me until the door is closed.

I wait just long enough until I'm sure they're out of earshot, then I grab my pillow, and I scream into it.

Wails of agony leave my mouth, every piece of me shattering into a million pieces over the fact that he's gone. He's gone and I'm here and it's not fair!

He didn't deserve this! He was good! If anyone deserved to die it would be me!

Loud sobs wrack through my body, causing my bandages to rub roughly against my burns. I barely feel it. This physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I feel on the inside. It threatens to rip me apart.