The Tales of a Future Hockey Wife

Chapter 55: Everything Rhymes with Money

~Ben~~March~

The playoff season started two weeks ago. We're doing pretty well so far even if our best goaler hurt his shoulder during the first game. We won the first round easily as if the London Knights gave us the four games on a silver platter. The Greyhounds from Sault Ste Marie are much more of a challenge. Our games against them during the regular season were always the tightest. We had to settle the game with penalty kicks every time. I am confident that we will perform well, though. We have to. After my accident, I couldn't play for about a month, so my only chance to be seen is to perform well during the play-offs. If I want to make it pro next year, I need to win as many games as possible, and, in order to do that, I have to score as many goals as possible. But with everything that is going on at home, it's hard to totally focus on hockey which is what I should be doing. We are only three months away from El's delivery date and we still have so much to do, so much to buy with all of which with so little money. El had to quit her job at the bookshop about a month ago, meaning that we have even less money than we used to, but our expenses have grown immensely. We started shopping for things online for the nursery, but we realized quick enough that we didn't have the money to buy new things, so we started to look on Internet for used furniture. We found a few that we both liked, and we are seeing some this afternoon before I have to leave for Sault Ste Marie for tomorrow's game.

The first one we are set to see is a crib located only a few minutes away from our apartment. It belonged to a couple of grandparents who used to babysit their grandchildren who are now respectively six and three. They kept the crib until now in case that their daughter decided to have more children, but she is now certain that two is enough. It's a nice crib from what they have been telling us over the phone. I was really looking forward to seeing it. Since the kids didn't sleep in it often, it's almost brand new if we forget the chipped white paint on the crib's legs. I listen to the old man telling us how to get the side down and how to lift it back up. I try and focus to remember every single detail because Eleanor seems off since this morning. She has barely said a word to me or asked questions to the couple selling us the crib. I walk up to be closer to her. I wrap my arm around her waist to pull her closer to me.

"Do you like it? It's white like the ones we saw on that website that you liked." She nods. I found her surfing on a site a couple of nights ago where you could design your baby's room and it would give you the price of everything you used at the end. El's nursery cost around five thousand dollars. The one thing I noticed was that the crib was white with pine-wood bars. It was pretty, but it cost five hundred dollars alone. I wish we could afford her dream nursery, but we just can't. I am used to living with the minimum, it has been that way my whole life, but I know Eleanor wasn't raised with the minimum.

"We'll take it, but we can't afford two hundred. Would you be willing to drop your price?" I say to the man, feeling Eleanor's eyes burning through my skull. The man looks at his wife, his eyebrows raised. She sighs before whispering something that I can't hear. The man nods before turning to face us once more.

"It's yours for one hundred." It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We finally have somewhere for our daughter to sleep once she's here. I gladly take the hand that the old man offers me, but I can see that something isn't right with the way Eleanor hugs the woman. We make the arrangements to pick it up once I get back from the series of games in Sault Ste Marie.

"What's wrong? Aren't you glad that we finally bought a crib? You've been bugging me for weeks about that," I say as we sit back in our car to confront her.

"I just wish you wouldn't have made us look like were in need of their pity." What? I didn't do that. I answer that and she scoffs.

"Yeah you did. You were like look at us the poor teenage couple who got pregnant after not being careful. Now we need baby stuff, but we can't afford it, so please, pretty pretty please, give us your crib for half of what you wanted for it. You made us look weak and poor, Ben."

"But we are poor Eleanor. I checked last night, and we only have two hundred dollars in our account. Did you really want to spend them on a crib or wouldn't you rather we buy a changing table too?" I raise my voice and I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help myself. Since when am I the responsible one regarding money?

"Of course, I'd rather we buy the changing table too, but do you know what would make me really happy? Like over the moon happy?" I shake my head; her voice is getting louder too. "Going to the store and buying everything I like without even checking the price. I want to buy the prettiest crib, the changing table that goes with it along with the dresser. I want the electronic diaper trashcan and the organic pacifier that is recommended by the best pediatrician in the country." She stops talking to hold her head in her hands. I know she's crying from the way her shoulders rise and fall.

"You think I don't want that? You think I like how poor we are? I want the best for you, I want to be able to offer you what's best just because it's what's best. When I thought about us having children in the past, I imagined us in a big house with too many bedrooms, a pool, and a ping-pong table. I saw us putting the safest car seat in our expensive car. I don't want to be poor just as much as you, but I know how to be poor. I've been poor my whole life, let me help, please Ella." I lowered my voice, but I can still hear the anger in my tone.

"I wanted so much more for my kids than a used crib in the living room of our shitty one-bedroom apartment. I wanted new cute clothes with the bows to match, but all I have is Josephine's sister hand-me-downs. You can't erase the image I had when I found out we were having a girl. She was dressed in a pale linen pink dress with a bow that matches. She was asleep in her car seat surrounded with comfy blankets, she looked so peaceful Ben, so peaceful. No matter how hard you try, you'll never be able to erase that, so don't even bother trying." Her words feel like sandpaper on my heart. That's what I wanted too. I wanted to give my daughter everything I didn't have, but instead, I'll give her worse. Since I don't know what to say, I stay quiet as I start the car and engage on the road that leads us to our shitty one-bedroom apartment that I thought she had grown to love.

I leave the apartment later that day with the firm intention to have something concrete to give Eleanor when I get back regarding our future. No matter what it is, when I get back in a few days, I'll have a clearer idea about what will happen to my career. She kissed me before I left. She grabbed my cheeks in her hands to pull me even closer. "I love you," are the last words I heard as I closed the door.