The Tales of a Future Hockey Wife

Chapter 59: Learning

~Eleanor~

"That's if you're ok with it," Ben says his eyes going up from the baby to me. I love that he made the decision because, right now, my brain is too fuzzy to think straight.

"I love it, it suits her story very well," I answer. I didn't think I would feel so at peace after giving birth. I thought I would be more stressed out now that the baby is out, but it's the opposite. It's as if this wave of calm came over me as soon as it was over. I feel like nothing could go wrong, even if I am really aware that the opposite is more likely to happen. I simply have to look at her to calm myself down. I used to have the same feeling when looking at Ben. Maybe I feel this way because she's half him. Maybe the Johnsons have that calming effect in them from birth. I just have to see her peaceful face and my heart rate slows down. She's here, she's healthy, and she's absolutely perfect. I try to take a mental picture of what's in front of me. Ben is walking around the room, rocking his daughter from side to side as he describes what's around him. He looks so happy. All of the worry I had of him running away feels futile now. His love for her radiates through the fond look in his eyes. Looking at him like this makes me fall in love all over again with him. He'll be a great father; I can feel it.

"Would you like to try nursing, Eleanor?" the nurse asks as she fills out some form. I nod. I gave a great deal of thought about nursing. I read so many articles and blogs online about it, I feel like I could write a one-thousand-word essay about the pros and cons of both nursing and bottles. I ended up telling myself that I would try and if it works then great, but I wouldn't force it. I admit that nursing is a lot simpler in terms of logistic than bottles with all the sterilizing it requires, but, if it doesn't work on my part or on hers, it's not that big of a deal. I refuse to let people dictate how I will raise my daughter.

The nurse spends the next few minutes explaining to me how to position the baby and how to judge if she's doing it correctly. Once Ophelia and I have gotten the hang of it, she gives Ben a few pamphlets on nursing and a few other subjects. He reads them to me once the nurse leaves to go see another mom. Mom, I am a mom now. It feels so weird to think of myself as a mom. I defined myself as a daughter for so long that it's hard to be on the other side. I am responsible of the little human in my arms. I have to teach her everything she has to know about the world even if I don't know all there is to know yet. Maybe, one day, it will scare me, but I am too focused on how filled with joy I feel right now to worry about what the future holds.

"This one is about vaccines. Do you want me to read it or are you too tired?" he asks as I switch her from one side to the other. I shake my head; I don't need information about vaccines. Our daughter will be vaccinated, end of question. I don't understand why I would expose her to some diseases that could be very dangerous if a simple vaccine could protect her.

The nurse comes back later to teach us a few more things like diaper changing and swaddling. She came in with her doll and a packet of blankets and diapers. Ben must have practiced ten times before risking himself to swaddle Ophelia. He kept asking questions on the smallest details, absolutely not wanting to do anything wrong. I was about to tell him that, no matter how careful we are, one of us, one day, will do something wrong. We can't escape mistakes forever. We are even lucky that we haven't made one in the past few hours. He'll feel safe as long as we're here with all the medical staff showing us things and watching over us, but, as soon as we'll go back home, it will be only him and I. No one to help, no one to watch over us. It scares the living shit out of me to be honest. I convince myself that we'll figure it out, we don't really have a say in the matter. I'll take it one day at a time, solve the problems as they come, and I'll show Ben how to do the same. There is still so much we have to figure out. The NHL Entry Draft starts in two days. Depending on what happens then, we might have to start a brand-new life somewhere else. Not knowing where we'll be used to make me anxious, but if we figured it out once, we can figure it out again. Besides, we have everything we need in our apartment, all we'll have to do is move it somewhere else. To me, that's less complicated than what we already went through.

For now, I decide to focus on the little bundle of joy and blankets in Ben's arms. We ask the nurse to take a picture of the three of us to send it to our friends and family.

"Our first family picture," Ben says looking proudly over his daughter's reflection on the screen of his phone. He sends it to our parents, Will, Megan, Olive and Alexander, and we spend the rest of the night responding to the many messages we get. In that exact moment, I don't have a single worry, I hope it'll stay that way even if it's just for a little while.