The Tales of a Future Hockey Wife

Chapter 61: Sleeping Problems

~Eleanor~

~July~

Breastfeeding has many advantages like all the savings we do with not having to buy bottles or formula, but it also means that I have to get up every time Ophelia is hungry. Ben and I don't take turns for night feedings, I can't leave the apartment without her for more than two hours at best, and I can't take extremely long showers that end up with me spending more than 90 minutes in the bathroom. It means that the responsible person always has to be me. It means that I didn't attend my graduation and that I received my diploma in the mail instead of having the Dean hand it out to me. Ben can still leave the house without thinking about schedules or diapers while my mind is constantly filled with Ophelia. I am always counting the hours since she last ate, for how long as she been awake or how long as she been sleeping. She's with me all the time, everything regarding her is my responsibility. The blog about motherhood I started reading calls it the mental load. I didn't get it at first, but when Ben asked me what he should do about the baby crying, I understood. He relies on me to tell him what to do even when he should be able to figure it out on his own.

Ben got news from Germany last week. He has to move there mid-August to attend the team's training camp meaning that he leaves in five weeks. He doesn't say it, but I know he is excited. His dream to go pro is finally close enough for him to touch. I also know that he is dreading the moment he will walk out the door. He will be alone for the first time in his life, anyone would be frightened. We haven't discussed the fact that I wouldn't be moving with him since the draft. I don't think he fully understands my decision to stay here. He never knew just how much I gave up being with him or how much I still have to give up. I think he forgets sometimes that I don't particularly like hockey. I learned to appreciate it over the years mostly by seeing how deep his passion is, but, if he didn't play, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with hockey. I attend games because I know he loves when he sees me in the bleachers. Hockey was my compromise and it ended up taking all the empty spots in my life. I wasn't doing anything on Saturday, why wouldn't I attend his game? I was free after school, why wouldn't I join him at the arena? I didn't realize it at first, but I gave his passion the spotlight. It made mine fall in second place, but as long as he was happy, so was I. It's something I don't want to do anymore. I want to prioritize what I want and not what he wants. He has been front and center for the three years we've lived here, is it normal for me to want to shine a little? Starting now, I shine, and, in a few weeks, Ben won't be here to tell me that my light is too bright. He never would actually say something like that, but I would feel it anyway. I am not saying that I am glad that he's leaving. I'm saying I'm glad I'll finally get to do exactly what I want. If I want to spend my Friday night wrapped in a blanket on the couch, I will or, if I want to write until three am, he won't be here to tell me that I should join him in bed because he can't sleep well without me.

Ophelia brings me out of my head when she starts shuffling in my arms. I check the time, it's been about twenty minutes, it's time to switch sides. I lift her up only to settle her back in the crook of my left arm. She instantly starts sucking. It's 12:34, so at around 12:54 she'll be done. I allow myself to close my eyes. Ben says I should turn the TV on while I breastfeed at night, but if I did that, there's no way I could fall back asleep after, so I just stare at the black screen or at the few pictures on the wall. We hanged the one of the three of us at the hospital Ben took on his phone. I look like crap on it but it's still my favorite picture in the whole world. We both look so happy in it like we don't have a single problem in our life. From the outside, I would say that those two people are as in love as ever, that they don't have to worry about anything, and that they probably are the luckiest couple in the world. While the last one is true, proof of that is laying in my arms, I have problems with the other two. I love Ben, I think I always will, but saying that we are as in love as ever is pushing it. The many things we have to worry about have put a strain on our relationship that I don't think will go away very soon. It saddens me deeply. I wish, every night before going to bed, that, when I wake up, we'll be back to the place where all that exists is him and the love I have for him. Every morning, I wake up with a weight on my chest because it didn't happen. Nobody granted me my wish.

"El." His voice startles me. I open my eyes to find him standing in the doorway of our bedroom in only his boxers. Even in the dark, I have to admit that he looks amazing. He hasn't slacked his physical training even now that the season is over. He started growing his hair before he has to cut it in Germany. I try to spot the leaf tattoo he got done under the lightbulb a week after Ophelia's birth. I didn't understand until he told me it was rue. In Hamlet, Ophelia hands out flowers to everyone she meets, but the herb she saves for herself is rue. After googling the herb, he found out that it was used to heal pain and bruises. It's when he does things like this that I am reminded of how good he is, how pure. Acts like these make my heart overflow with love for him. It's too bad that they happen once every year. At least they happen, I remind myself. I consider myself lucky to have known five of these amazing gestures.

"Yeah?" I say my voice barely above a whisper.

"I just got off the phone with my mom, she wants to see the baby," he answers pointing at Ophelia. I scrunch my brows before remembering that there is a three-hour jet lag between here and BC. Technically, it's only nine pm back there. "When are Olive and Alex coming? I'll either tell her to come before or after depending." I try not to stick on the fact that I told him the answer to that question this morning, but at this hour and with how tired I am, it's difficult.

"They come in two weeks, and they stay for one. You can tell your mom to come at the start of August, they could stay until you leave," I say, sounding more annoyed than I actually am. "Don't forget to tell her to book a hotel, we don't have enough space here." He nods as he types my answer on his phone. His mother used the baby excuse, but I know that, even if it's true, she mostly wants to see her son before he moves to Germany for a year. It's completely understandable which is why I told him to invite her for two weeks. This way, she'll have time to spend quality time with her son and her granddaughter without scarifying one. I thought that he would go back to bed after typing, but he sits on the couch next to me.

"I wish I could help you more. Especially at night."

"I have to get used to do everything on my own anyway." I can see his shoulders drop even in the dark. His hand finds its way into his hair like every time something bugs him.

"I also wish you wouldn't have to do that. I know I messed up, El. My injury is what kept me from being drafted closer to home, I know that," he says his eyes focused on the same dark wall as mine.

"But your injury was my fault. If I had attended that game, you wouldn't have stopped skating."

"Don't say that." I turn my head to look at him for the first time since he sat down.

"All I'm saying is that we both made mistake. It's not all your fault and it's not all mine, it's ours. We both made decisions this year that maybe weren't the best ones, but they were ours. I made the decision to skip that game and it led you to the hospital, you made the decision to put everything you had in your recovery and you made it pro, we made the decision to keep this baby and it gave us Ophelia, and I made the decision to let you go to Germany by yourself. The consequences of that decision are still unknown, but I feel like I made the right choice just like you made the right decision by going anyway. This is us, Ben. No matter how you wish you had done something else at one point, you're stuck with what you have now. It up to you to decide if it's good enough or not." I am out of breath when I finally stop talking.

"It's enough, of course, it's enough," he answers, his voice betraying his emotions. I turn away from him to check the time. It's five pas one am. I sit Ophelia up straighter on my lap to tap on her back a few times.

"Do you want to change her before going back to bed or should I?" He says he wants to help, it's his chance to prove it.

"Sure," he answers without looking at me. He avoids my look as he grabs her. I leave him alone in the living room to head back to bed. I don't know what will happen once he's gone, but I know that I'll be fine. Asking Ben if what he had was enough made me realize that, for me, having Ophelia is plenty.