Loving The Russian Mafia

Chapter 11: Dilemma

Vienna's POV

I switched off my mobile phone which David gave me when he dropped me off at his apartment last night.

I sighed in relief with my eyes closed and head leaning back against the seat, once the plane took off.

I don't know why but all the time while I was waiting at the airport for my flight to Canada I was feeling very paranoid and restless...maybe it was just the fear of probably being caught...being caught by Ryan and once again going back to that hell.

Well it was not literally hell in fact everyone there treated me as if I was their queen or something and I know why because they knew very well what I meant to Ryan.

But I don't know if their behaviour towards me was because they feared Ryan or maybe they just respected him, either way I don't care and I also don't want to think about it because I'll never be going back...ever again.

And it also means that I'll never get to see Ryan again.

And I don't know why but suddenly I felt myself getting upset at the thought of never being able to see him ever again but I don't regret what I did...it had to be done someday.

But I also can't deny the fact that I do love him no matter what I just can't bring myself to hate him and I'm glad that I spent last night in his arms knowing that it was our last night together.

My fingers instantly went up to my slightly parted lips as I recalled last night...the softness of his lips still lingers on mine...I can still smell his manly scent on myself. 

Oh how am I going to forget you.

I smiled with a heavy heart as I slipped into the thoughts of last night when I left him all alone sleeping.

I smiled when I felt him going into deep slumber as his chest heavied up and down slightly indicating that he was surely sleeping.

But I still looked up at his face once to confirm that he was really sleeping but I guess that was a wrong move because suddenly I found myself staring at his innocent looking face as he slept and I also felt guilty all of a sudden.

Am I really doing right by leaving him like this while he is sleeping thinking that when he wakes up I'll be right here...in his arms.

How will he feel once he gets to know that I left him just after we both...will he feel used?

Will he be hurt?

After all I do love him and just thinking that he'll be hurt once he finds me gone in the morning, hurts me even more.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore, I thought resting my head back on his bare chest.

Should I really give him...our relationship a chance.

But this is not the life I dreamed with him and he knows this as well.

Will I be able to adjust in his world?

Can I really learn to live in this world...where there will be danger and fear at every step.

No I'm not worried about my life instead I'm worried about his.

What if something happens to him.

He wants to live with me...have a family with me but there's no point in even creating a family if one day he won't come back to me...to his family.

I once again raised my head and looked up at his relaxed face...I stared at him for what felt like hours but it was just a few minutes, before resting my head back where it was previously as I gently placed a kiss there.