넌 나의 모든 모서릴 잠식
나를 사랑
concept
josh likes a man he met in the bathroom of a gay bar
warnings!
internalized homophobia
religion
self harm
it was an innocent gesture. holding someone while crying was innocent. yet josh found himself thinking of it more than that.
he couldn't forget the warm hand on his lower back; the warmth of a man's hand spreading through his whole body in pulses. his face pressed against the soft material of a sweater that looked like he thrifted it. it was too unique to be bought on a random website.
he couldn't forget when he stopped crying, the man pressing a kiss to his forehead. more warmth spread through him. pulsing at the same rate as his heart.
he didn't want to say goodbye. he wanted the moment to last forever. stuck sitting on the floor of the bathroom at a gay bar he didn't even want to go to.
he couldn't forget the man
handing him a number. it was another gesture that josh wanted to think of as innocent but he couldn't help but think about it differently. he bit his tongue and simply said he would call. the drive home that night was long. mostly because he had to pull over to cry.
he didn't want this.
he didn't know he would spend
a friday night crying in two separate locations, both he didn't even want to be in. the warmth of streetlights counteracting the violent blue and reds from the gas station light.
he couldn't forget looking at
himself in his mirrors. he chuckled. if he weren't crying, he would take a picture. he liked the lighting. but his smile quickly turned to a scowl as he put his car in reverse and backed out.
he couldn't forget how the rest of the drive home felt like years. he didn't know why it took so long to get home. his mind kept wondering to the man in the bathroom of a gay bar. how did he know how to comfort josh so well? did he have panic attacks? the thought of the man feeling anxious made him feel horrible.
he couldn't forget that night, all he
could do was cry into his pillow. he didn't want this. he didn't want this.
what he definitely couldn't forget was praying to god that he wouldn't be gay. that was something he knew he would remember for years to come.
the sobbing turned to whimpers,
which soon turned to snoring. he never expected himself to be like this. he never thought he would go so low as to cry himself to sleep over a man in the bathroom of a gay bar.
the next day, he looked in his
mirror and saw himself. his eyes puffy, his cheeks and nose red, and his hair was sticking up. he couldn't bring himself to fix it. he decided to just take a shower, hopefully wash away those feelings.
he didn't expect himself to be
face to face with the faucet only 5 minutes in. tears down his face, but he couldn't tell. he convinced himself it was the water. it was the water.
he sat on the floor of his shower
for an hour. he wasn't sobbing like he was last night. this time, his tears were silent. dripping down his cheeks, down his neck, and down his chest.
