the cracks that appear

Revealing The Layers

In the past I have always tried to be as strong as I can be given my situations, from the men I love and have loved to my family in all its dysfunction.

There's the one thing I haven't mentioned in the story yet because the pain is too hard to bare. Last summer I let myself make a huge mistake of letting myself fall for someone I knew I couldn't have. Looking back it was one of the most painful things I have ever endured, emotionally it broke me down and mentally fucked me up. It started as close friends and I guess it just went from there. There was nights I didn't want to sleep because I was falling for him and I didn't even know it. When something starts out as friendship the last thing you expect yourself to be saying is that you have feelings for the guy. That's where I found myself last August, trying to pick up pieces of my heart that was thrown a million miles away. At that point I was ready to say yes I'm free of him but wasn't the case I thought being friends would be different, nothing changed it just got awkward from the second we both slipped slightly, the possible possibilities those unsaid outcomes all thrived in my open scars, the ones I thought I could pull through without the struggle of getting out of bed or going to my classes. There is one way to describe how I was and that's broke. It started as two friends gaming together, this lasted about 2 maybe 3 weeks it was fun there was a tonne of flirting between us and its not something we could turn off, it progressed to streaming movies together and it began to feel like we were slipping into a routine not a bit of awareness of it. in between watching the movie there would be teasing to the point where we had sent each other things, it was intense and at the time he was the one person i opened up to about my past, guess you could say he was like a trust buddy, he knew things nobody ever had found out about me. it was unsettling at first but i learned to trust him. He was there when i went to sleep and as i woke up, any bad dreams i had it was him i went to talked it out and got what i needed when i didn't know i need it. Things stayed like that for a while and i guess i got used to it and so did he. On August 23 or so he told me the girl he loved came back and they talked, it felt like a knife to my heart then having to support him and pretend it didn't affect me hurt so much, at the time i was trying to process it and still keep going with college, i told him to give me time to get my head around everything and re-establish boundaries we had created. A few days after i had went back to him wounds still fresh didn't bother lying about it given how i was feeling because i knew to an extent he was feeling the same. one day i couldn't hold back how i had felt and i told him, he said he had felt the same but it didn't change a thing, there was that part of out friendship we couldn't turn off yeah we still flirted a lot. His girlfriend at the time found out idk how long after but she made him stop talking to me so they could work on them. it was basically the last i ever heard from him, part of me thinks what it would have been like if i was living in Canada close to him. There is one thing i can say from this experience is that my heart still wonders how he is and hoping he is happy.

sorry its been a while things are hectic, love you all enjoy.