the cracks that appear

confusion

I don't know what I'm feeling any more,I don't want to eat or sleep properly, I'm getting attention but I don't think I want it. Between meeting these  guys on tinder and having careless fun, its alright for a while but afterwards it makes me realize that i need a whole lot more than what they are offering me, there is one guy who I've been on 2 dates with, and in both time was our enemy, wish i could have spent the night with him, not even for sex just to hang out, maybe its too soon for that, i'm not sure its all just one date at a time at the moment, getting my head around him having other girls is definitely hard to comprehend, taking the train together on Monday was fun, getting him distracted, thinking about what i could do especially while he would be driving, what i did do he did enjoy i know that because i got him to a point where sending a text was impossible, showed me a good time too, showing my naughty side is exactly how i like to play, it sounds so cruel but when we got back to his place it definitely helped the mood. as good as everything sounds there is possibilities that things can go wrong and i might not get the outcome i want and that scares me so much, could end up getting hurt unintentionally, everything is just small steps at a time if I'm honest. then getting the opportunity to talk to my ex again was weird but good, its progress and i think, i was with my best friend and one of her friends when he came over after he got his coffee, i didnt even think about how i was dressed tbh, after coffee we headed to my best friend's house and chilled out for a bit, him and i were on the couch together sitting close to each other, winding each other up and messing about, but that's just how him and i are, my best friend and her friend went out the back for a smoke when the friend i didn't know, it gave him and i a few minutes alone, but he leaned over to kiss me then held my hand for a sec, something shifted between us after that, i had my legs over his and he had his hands resting on my leg, it felt normal, when my best friend came back in he said to both that they didn't see anything. given how early things are we need to sort it out between him and i first. i don't intend to get back with him but I've changed so much since he broke me and put me in a dark place. maybe him moving in 2 months  might be good idk, in someway i think he needs to know how bad it actually got, how much i had to change between patterns and things i did, my best friend talked to him and told him i was in a dark place. if i ca get closure from him i would be grateful given how hard it was to move forward with maybes hanging around. i think space has maybe helped especially if things are done right this time, my best friend noticed the flirting and i guess she thought i was gonna let him straight back in but i can't, as much as i love ice cream, having it instead of food isn't a good idea, it reminds me of the week of the break up when i didn't eat properly for ages, i had lost so much weight and hadn't cared about how much sleep i actually got. makes me wonder how things would be different if we didn't rush into the relationship. the friends house we were at her boyfriend knows my ex and thought him and i were together. but things are different now because i have changed, i needed the space initially to move on with my life and now i have, I've got skills most women would pay to learn, like keeping a guy coming back for more with little effort, and teasing in public without anyone knowing whats going on, teasing on a train with the folding tables is easy, u can hide everything and keep him distracted. it might sound so cruel but i can tell u out straight he is ready for u. at the moment i have been keeping a guy ready for me for just over a week and slight little indications about between my legs or an outfit has his attention. for me these type techniques are easy as I've been doing it since i was 16, so by now its second nature, juggling multiple guys at once its a skill I've yet to master. joining tinder definitely was a good idea, yeah i guess I've met with guys who are just in it for sex and some want more but there is limits with travelling and stuff, i guess travelling to Belfast to see someone is probably a limit in distance I've had guys straight out want pics its not exactly my scene anymore.