the cracks that appear

my lockdown part 1

Imagine going from a very active lifestyle to one that is basic and mundane, routine is good. At the beginning I thought I would silently go crazy, I had mountains of work to figure out with confusing help, emotions were all over the place, I had one outlet for anger and that was on bright summer days where I could go play badminton with my sisters, forget the masses that where unfinished, my ankle sprain happened I was frustrated, how could I handle being on the couch 24/7. Anyone who knows me, being still isnt something I do very well. Gaming got me through my day, ever day was different, vowing to have a holiday with my sisters helped give me motivation that better days are coming. For me I faced challenges like being accused of using my past not to trust a closed minded person, I like to see people grow not be stagnant. In full swing I'm a challenge to handle because I have limits but I organised my life to fulfil those as much as I can, it made a chip in my defence when someone i thought i could trust did that, I'll admit it, I cried because of it.

I definitely haven't lost my sharp tone or sarcastic comments u begin to question are they real or false. I got asked the other night by one of the guys I'm seeing to let him know the guys who have "access", it made me stop and think what the fuck am I doing with my life, I should be balanced and stable, but readers I ask u this, what defines stability?, during the days where I didn't need to worry that a virus was circulating mu actions really did show I'm 100k miles from it. I see relationships and wonder is that right for me?, I got tonnes of questions but I fant figure the words to Express them. I was offered a relationship once I'm ready my heart told me know but my head was like go for it, i haven't, once in ready I'm gonna meet this guy and see if I'll friendzone him. I recognise that independence is key, I theoretically think he isnt where I need him to be at