Should Have Known Better

Harden The Heart

**Sang**

I try to calm myself down and try to meditate my way back from the bone shattering sobs that escaped from my chest. I have to think about what I'm going to say. I've got to figure out where to go from here. How am I supposed to collect all the pieces of my heart and make it out of this house without the rest of the guys figuring out something is off? I can't even provide for myself. I don't have any form of ID thanks to my ghost bird status. I can't even get a job.

   Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Think Sang. Ideas start to form for my future.  I struggle with what to say tonight. My guys, what will they think? I know that I can't lie, Owen will see right through me. I am going to have to rely on everything he taught me. Ironically the person who was teaching me to lie will be the first real-world testing of my skill.  I give a self-deprecating laugh at myself. I can't afford to think if any of the other guys will be upset that I am leaving.

   The hurt compounded by seven more times than I already feel is too much. I force myself to go back in time to when my stepmother would beat me. I force myself to rebuild the walls I had up to the world and to the emotions I felt. I visualize those walls in my mind and feel them click back into place.  I know that I have a short period of time before everyone gets here. I have to quickly strip away all the progress I've made at coming out from my shell. I know the quicker I can rebuild these walls the sooner my heart will harden to the world. I'm going to need that hard heart now. I'm not going to survive in a world without them if my heart is as soft as it is now.

 I hear the front door open and close a couple of times. I don't even know how long I've been in here. I am pretty sure that the dinner I was making is now completely ruined.  Guess that Luke and North will once again be in charge of them all getting a home cooked meal. Silly thing to think of at a time like this, but my thoughts are all over the place. 

“Sang, everyone is here,” Nathan shouts through the door. Still, he sounds like he doesn't care and this is nothing to him. I guess it really isn't. He's already moved on. 

“No hurting heart, no crying eyes. Toughen up, you little wimps. You can do this. You have to do this.” I give myself a last pep talk before leaving the bathroom. 

“Miss Sorenson, you wanted a meeting?” Owen raises that eyebrow and looks straight into my eyes. I try to pull that wall I'm building back up further. 

“Yes, Mr. Blackbourne. I have something I need to do.” 
I can feel everyone start to look at me as I position myself in front of all the seating. I take one last good look at everyone together. My guys. Sean looks so tired. I really hope he gets more rest now.
 Poor Gabriel, I hope that he doesn't find some way to make this feel like his fault. I know he suffers from feelings of inferiority.  He shouldn't ever feel like that. He is such an amazing person, anyone who gets to be with him will be so lucky. 

Silas, my silent Superman. I'm going to miss him like crazy. His hugs and jokes and the feeling of safety he exudes are powerful. 

 North, my north star. I guess he's not going to be my way home anymore. He's going to need someone to look after.

 Luke, my dreamer. I hope the special bond between him and Gabe will be enough to keep the playfulness in him. 

Victor, my prince. Those fire eyes drew me in and I hope he finds someone that can inspire him and won't just think of his money as his worth.

 Owen, Mr. Blackbourne, walking, talking, breathing perfection. He's going to need someone to challenge him mentally and can get him to see that he still is young and to live in the moment.
 
“Well get on with it Cupcake. I can smell dinner. “ Luke gives me a playful wink and knocks me back to reality. I can see the other guys nodding and agreeing with him. 

Short, concise, to the point. I have to do this. “I can't do this anymore and I'm sorry, but I'm leaving you all.” I push my hands behind my back to stop myself from fidgeting. Silence. I thought North would yell, I thought Gabe would cuss. I thought someone would object a little. Nothing. I look and everyone just seemed to not hear me. 

“Ummm. Okay then. I guess I'll be going.” 

The deafening silence hurt more than anything they could have said to me. I turn on my heels towards my room to pack a bag. I know that I will need a couple changes of clothes no matter where I go. I go to stuff some things in a bag when Gabe walks in and hands me a bag already packed. The look on his face is closed and guarded. 

“I packed you a bag. Everything in here is what you started with.” He drops the bag on the bed and leaves. 

I pull the zipper and see all the old thrift shop clothes I once wore. Tears threaten to fall, but I refused to let them. “Hard heart!” I murmur to myself. I zip the bag back up and walk back to the living room towards the front door. 

“Here Sang.” Victor stops me and hands me a file. “I made you an ID, social security card, and birth certificate. You will be able to use those anywhere.” The fire in his eyes looks like banked coals. The passion he used to look at me with is gone. 

I can't keep my head up as I walk the final steps to the door. I can't speak for fear my sobs will escape. I have to look tough. I have to look like this was my idea. I open the door, step out into the darkness and close the door softly behind me. I step off the front step and start to make my way down the road. Each of my steps is accompanied by a tear left in my wake.