Hero's POV
"I'm annoyed at myself." I announce. "You're bipolar." Josephine mutters not paying much attention to me. "No Josephine, I'm pissed off that I let myself get distracted by you doing that. It's so fucked up. I just lost diesel." My voice is raised and I'm desperate to find a new way to blame myself for him dying. I will never, ever forgive myself for not being there when it happened. I always thought I would be there and I never expected him to be gone this soon. It happened out of no where, he was fine when I spoke to mercy on the phone the other day.
"Excuse me Hero but you could have stopped me. You was just as into it as me." She argues back while flicking through the pages of her book. I stare at her for a moment, her hair is tied up in some sort of bun thing and she's only wearing one of my shirts and underwear again. "You shouldn't have done it though. You knew you would have an advantage using sex." I know that she's right but I'm trying to pull away some of my guilt by throwing it onto her, I'm not proud of it.
"You do know that you can get away from what's happening? You don't have to focus on just that, it is heartbreaking that diesel died but that doesn't mean that you can't be happy." She breathes out heavily and I feel like I'm lost for words, what can I say to that? "I'm gonna go for a smoke." I mutter and get up off the bed. "You can't just avoid me because I sucked your dick Hero, I wasn't forcing you and you was able to get me to stop." I ignore her instead of arguing back. I grab the small pack of cigarettes off my desk on the way out and pull out of my cigarette.
When I reach the smoke zone I see Inanna hunched over in the corner, she's got her phone in one hand and a can that I can't read because it's too dark now. She must hear the crunch of my boots on the gravel because her eyes snap up to look at me. "Heroooo" her voice is deeper than usual and her words are slurred, I'm guessing the can in her hand is alcohol. "Hey." I mumble, I wasn't expecting someone to be here. I try to distance myself from her but sit on the bench. I'm almost hanging off the edge but I don't move closer to the girl with bright pink hair that reeks of beer. The smell is a horrible one, it reminds me of the one my dad used to drink.
She scoots closer to me and I take in a deep breath so I don't have to breathe in her smell. "I'm sorry about your dog." I say nothing let silence fill the small space between us. "How long are you gonna be here for?" I ask her, getting straight to the point. Her eyes flicker to mine and she runs a hand through her messy hair. "Why do you want me to leave?" She searches my face but I try to look as unbothered as I can. "Because I'm going to smoke." I tell her hoping that it will make her stop asking me pointless questions.
"Why don't you smoke around people?" She asks as she lifts the can to her lips. "Because even though my lungs are failing doesn't mean I have to make everyone else's do the same." She makes a small noise that I choose to ignore. "That shit stinks." I wave a hand to her and the can. She glares at me before laughing at me. "I like it, your cigarettes stink too so I don't think you can complain." She giggles, an annoying sound.
"So are you gonna leave or..." I trail off and she shakes her head. "Don't wanna go back yet. So light up." She gestures to the lighter in my hand. I would prefer not to smoke around her but I need to take my mind off things. It's almost pitch black and the air is cold. I breathe out and even without any nicotine in my body there is already puffs of smoke leaving my lips. I flick my finger on the lighter and put it to the fag. I put it against my lips and sucked in, inhaling. A few seconds later I slowly blow out the smoke and do the same thing repeatedly. I can feel inanans silent eyes on me.
"I feel like nobody likes me here." She mumbles, I wonder if she would be telling me this right now if she wasn't intoxicated. "Matthew likes you." I try to reassure her and she just shakes her head and laughs. "He's sick of me." She tilts her head back and her eyes are closed. I really don't want her to cry, I'm not in the mood to comfort an emotional drunk.
"Well, I like you." I attempt at comforting her and she snaps her eyes open and looks at me. "You do?" She pushes further and I just nod. She takes my cigarettes from my mouth and holds it between two of her fingers. She sucks in and blows out, clouds of smoke blow into my face. I expected her to cough but she doesn't, she's used to this. "You smoke?" I ask her, completely shocked. "Sometimes. It helps." She admits to me, I want to ask her more but I don't want to take advantage of the state she's in.
She takes in another drag off the cancer stick before stamping it out onto the floor. I'm about to tell her to fuck off for wasting it but before I can she's holding the collar of my shirt and pressing her lips against mine.
