Torn // H.S.

Chapter 20

Harry left me crying in the parking lot just last night. It has been a night from hell, and I can't even talk to my best friend about it, to anyone about it. All I feel is a sense of numbness inside, a fake smile here, a fake laugh there, as I nod along to conversations I'm not even listening to. We are sitting in a booth, at a little diner called Sally's in Savannah. It's Sunday night so the place is rather full. The low lighting and distant chatter around me adds to my loneliness. I have always loved to be alone. But there is a big difference in being alone in solitude and feeling lonely. Right now, the loneliness is creeping upon me with every passing second. I cannot bring myself to care about what they are all conversing about around me. None of it is important anyway. I didn't want to come out tonight. I wanted to stay home alone, in bed, not talking to anyone, but Julie and the rest of the group had other plans that she said I was "required to participate in" the reason being that I've been an "absent friend". I can't help but wonder what she would say if she found out why I have been so absent. What she would say, if she found out the real reason, I left the club early last night.

Their chatter turns to a faint hum in the background as my mind wanders to him again. Back to the night I first met him at the club. I had not heard his laugh yet; I had yet to feel my pulse spike at the touch of his fingers. I did not know what he would mean to me. It is hard for me to imagine a time before I knew him now. My heart splinters a little more at the thought of him, wishing he would just try, try and fight for us. Instead of just walking away last night. I refuse to run back to him, even if it breaks me. My brain keeps replaying all the little moments we shared. Could all of it really mean nothing to him. All I need is one text or phone call, something to show me he still cares. But he hasn't and he won't. I guess this was just a game to him. I guess everything between us was just a lie. And I can't help but think that maybe he was never even mine to lose. I'm snapped back into reality as Julie tugs on my arm.

"Scoot over and let him sit down Allie," she groans at me.

I don't have to look to know which him she is referring to because I can feel his presence towering over me. I swallow the lump that has already formed in the back of my throat as I look up to meet his green eyes. I swear I will never forget the first time I saw those eyes; it is like they are tattooed into the back of my mind and no matter how hard I try, I cannot erase them. I sit there speechless, utterly embarrassed by my obliviousness and those eyes, damn those eyes are mesmerizing. What's even worse is I can't read them. I can't tell what he is thinking anymore, and he won't tell me.

"Sorry," I mutter barely above a whisper as I hold back the tears that are burning my eyes. I turn my stare back to the table still not being able to move. Julie's hands shove into my side as she pushes me out of the booth. Harry steps back slightly our bodies barely missing contact as I stumble out of the booth. I stand awkwardly to the side of the table while Harry takes a seat next to Julie in the booth. I sit back down after him, leaving as much space between us as I can manage without falling off the seat. But he is still close enough that his scent surrounds me.

"I didn't think you were coming," Julie says to him clearly excited he showed up.

The lump in my throat grows and I dare not speak knowing I won't be able to hold back the tears that would follow. The ache in my chest grows even more. He is all I want, and he is sitting right next to me, but he is a thousand miles away at the same time. He hasn't even said a word to me. After everything, he won't even try, but here he is with Julie like I meant nothing. How could I have been so wrong about him. Every sweet word and gentle touch is slow being replaced by the image of his arm around Julie. How could he do this to me? He knows exactly what he is doing to me being here with her. And I wish in this moment with everything in me that I could hate him, but I can't. Because I love him.