Torn // H.S.

Chapter 26

I want to feel it. Every last ounce of pain that is crushing me. How foolish of me. But I want it to be real. I have wanted to have someone who means this much to me for so long. After Eli, I wasn't sure if I would find someone that I could connect with the same way again, much less be brave enough to let them in. But with Harry there wasn't much of a choice. He came into my life like he was always meant to be there, like there was a space saved especially for him I just didn't know it yet. So I want to feel it all. The crushing ache of seeing another girl walk out of his apartment. The thought of him with other girls has always sent a strong feeling of jealousy through me, even though I have never been the jealous type. But when it comes to Harry there are so many things I have felt and am continuing to feel that I am not used to. He has awakened a different version of me. He makes me feel alive. The drive back to my apartment is filled with regret. I don't know why I showed up there after not speaking to him for a week. I don't know why I was so shocked to see another girl come out of his apartment, of course he found someone else already. Just because he owns a special place in my heart that no one else will ever fill doesn't mean it's the same for him. He is gorgeous and charming, and could have anyone he wants. I guess I just expected more from him. I should have assumed that everything he told me was a lie, that I'm not the only girl he takes to his place. It's amazing how well some people can hide and create a version of themselves to get what they want. All of his lies make me question if I even know the real him at all, or just another version of himself he puts on for the world.

I pull into the parking lot taking my time to gather my things and take off Harry's hoodie tossing it into the back seat of my car trying to rid myself of his scent. It's not until I'm walking up the sidewalk that I see a distressed Sam arguing with Julie in the doorway of our apartment. His words are coming out fast and slurred together. The two have yet to notice my presence and it's too dark out for me to see Sam's face from this far away.

"Fuck Julie, come on!" Sam yells, the words coming out just clear enough for me to understand.

I can tell by the sound of his voice and the way Julie is standing with her body still placed halfway inside the house that Sam is definitely not in his right mind. I have never heard him raise his voice like that before, it sends a horrible feeling throughout my body. I consider turning around, getting back in my car and going to see a movie alone. Sitting in the dark, alone in a movie theater where no one can find me sounds amazing. But Julie's eyes lock onto mine before I can turn around and I know I can't leave. Her eyes hold an urgency behind them, she looks frighten, but it's hard to tell in the dark. Julie starts to shake her head no, her expression telling me to leave, but Sam catches on too quickly and turns finding me standing at the end of the walkway. Every thought that has been racing through my mind the entire drive back home is suddenly gone when I meet his glazed and heated stare. I feel as though all the blood has drained from my body and my mind keeps telling my feet to move but they won't listen. His body looks tense even more so than his glare and for the first time ever his presence frightens me. I slowly continue to walk up the sidewalk towards my front door, Julie's eyes never leaving mine the panic clear on her face. I need to get inside and to my room, that's all I can think.

Get inside. Get inside.

Sam is clearly intoxicated, his eyes blurred and breathing ragged. I wonder how long he has been here, standing in our doorway arguing with Julie. It's not until I try to walk around him and into the apartment that he grabs my elbow keeping me outside.

"We need to talk," he slurs. His voice doesn't sound like it normally does, it's not sweet and smooth, but rather deep and angry. His voice paired with his too tight of a hold on my arm sends a sinking feeling into my stomach.

"Yes we do, but not right now," I say quietly trying my best to not upset him more than he already is.

His grip on my arm doesn't loosen and his eyes continue to make me uneasy. "I want to talk now," he says leaning towards me and I can smell the alcohol on his breath.