Torn // H.S.

Chapter 24

I push open the front door, my left hand gripping the strap of my bag so tight my knuckles shine white. I shouldn't be this nervous, Julie and I have always been able to talk about everything. She is the one person I have always felt comfortable around, I have never felt the need to be or act a certain way with her. But something feels different, the air in the apartment feels stuffy. Things have felt different between us for longer than I want to acknowledge, but I can't runaway this time. Walking into the empty living room I let my bag fall off my shoulder and onto the floor. The loud thump of my heavy bag feels like it echos through the whole house as I wait for Julie to emerge from her room at the noise. I make my way over to the couch kicking off my shoes before curling into the small space at the end of the couch, tucking my feet underneath me. I can hear the creak of Julie's bedroom door opening before she appears in the hallway. It's quiet enough that you can hear cars driving in the parking lot, and the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. I don't think it has ever been this quiet in the apartment before. She finally meets my gaze and I can't tell if she looks more angry or sad, and I'm not sure which emotion I hope for more.

"Can we talk?" I say in a whisper even though I don't need to whisper, it feels necessary.

"Yeah," she says equally quiet as she moves to sit on the opposite end of the couch curling into a small ball.

This feels so foreign, we have retreated into ourselves. Our bodies curl into ourselves as tightly as possible trying to create a distance from one another. I want to sit quietly here with her. I want to undo whatever changes happened along the way that brought us to this point. I want this horrible looming ache of all the things unsaid that still need to be said to go away. I want her to not feel miles away even though she is right across from me.

"I want to say sorry." I mumble pulling a pillow against my chest and forcing myself to continue looking at her.

"Sorry," she scoffs, shaking her head and looking away from me. "I can't believe you did this. But worse I can't believe you didn't tell me about it." She says looking back at me anger hiding the hurt I see in her eyes.

"Maybe it was horrible of me for not telling you. I should have told you. I admit that. But do you want to know why I didn't tell you?" I say the last part quietly like it's a secret I'm afraid to tell.

"It wasn't because I thought you truly had feelings for him, or because I was afraid it would really hurt you. I knew he wasn't the only guy you had around. I lied to myself, I kept saying it was because of those things that I wasn't telling you. That by not telling you I was protecting you in some way. But that wasn't it. It was because I was afraid that if I told you, it would make you want him more. You like the things you can't have, you always have. And you won't talk to me anymore. And I feel like I can't talk to you. I can't remember the last time we had an honest deep conversation about anything. You never told me about him to being with Julie." I sigh letting it all fall out, still looking straight at her. Her eyes are wide now, surprised by my confession, but she doesn't respond. I can feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes but I continue.

"I was afraid you wouldn't even think about how I truly felt about him. Don't you think that's horrible. Doesn't it make you sad that our friendship has turned into this. That we have drifted so far apart that I was terrified to tell you I was falling in love with him, instead of excited. You used to be the only person I wanted to tell anything to, and that changed way before Harry showed up. You shut me out, and I don't know how to get back in." I feel a single tear roll down my cheek as I continue to stare at her. But she doesn't say anything. Her face holds the same look of sadness I feel deep in my bones, but she doesn't say anything.