Senseless

Chapter 4

I didn't see Liam as well as Miles once all night long. I was with Ella and Jade all the time and when the party was over, we went home.
All the way back home nobody said a word we were all so tired to even think about anything.
When we arrived at Ella's house, we just quickly took our shoes off and went to her room. I then rapidly put my pajama on, brushed my teeth and went to sleep.
The next morning we all woke up early, around 8. God, was I tired. My head was spinning from the lack of sleep and water. Jade and Ella weren't feeling that well either.

    "Good morning" I mumbled. I slowly stood up from the bed and went to the bathroom. Jesus was that a shitty face. Jade was standing in front of the door and I guess I had probably made a pretty disgusted face because she then directly said: "That's your fault, I told you to take your makeup off last night." Did she? I didn't remember. I shrugged my shoulders and she rolled her eyes. I then quickly went to Ella's room and took my phone to check if I had any messages.

Are we still on for breakfast today?

Shit, I had forgotten about Collin. We had to discuss how we wanted to organize everything tonight.

I'm at a friend's house can you pick me up? We can eat at my house there is nobody there.

Yeah sure why not, send me the address, I'll pick you up in half an hour.

I quickly ran downstairs where Ella was preparing breakfast and told her I had found a ride home. Jade came down too and we started having breakfast. I was so hungry I could have eaten the table. When Ella finished baking the bread I stuffed everything in my mouth like a real lady.

  "Why are you so hungry?" Jade asked. That was a simple question but I didn't know what to say. Of course, it was because I hadn't eaten a damn thing, but why that was the case was the question I couldn't answer. I wanted to tell the truth to Jade, how I often starved myself to feel more confident, how I stopped eating for days just because I felt guilty about that one time I ate too much. I know what she would have said. You are already thin, you look good, you don't need that. She would have been right I know. She would have simply said the truth. But that was not what I wanted. I wanted to keep living as I did. I didn't want somebody to strip my insanity away from me. Because that was all I knew. My fucked up logic, that defined who I was and everything else too.

That was the reason why I didn't spend so much time with Jade. Because I knew she would do me good and force me to realize that all I was convinced of was wrong. And that was the reason why I spent much more time with Martha. She pushed me indirectly to pursue this madness. I always listened to her talking about how much she needed to lose some more weight which was obviously never the case. But since she weighed less than me, that made me feel uncomfortable and pushed me to lose more weight.

It was not only her. I remembered when I started losing those 13 pounds two years ago and people started making compliments about how beautiful I had become and how thin my waist was. Besides apart from the attention, I really loved having that kind of power. People can force you to do anything in life. But they can hardly force you to eat. I felt powerful when I just said I didn't want to eat because I wasn't hungry and people could insist how much they wanted and tell me 1000 of different reasons why I should. Yet it was my decision and if my answer was no, it would still stay no.

    "I don't know I guess I forgot," I said continuing to eat and drinking my coffee. Shortly after finishing my coffee I heard someone honk outside. I rushed upstairs, took my things, kissed the girls goodbye, thanked Ella for letting me stay with her and went with my pajama still on, outside.

Collin was waiting outside in his car.I could see his blond hair through the window. I opened the door and threw my bag inside.
    "Hey" I hugged him and he turned his music down. I sat down and we started driving towards my house.
    "How was the party?" he asked.
"Boring. But what could you expect from a party, organized by my class." I couldn't tell him what happened because I couldn't have predicted his reaction and I didn't want any stress or drama, not today. Collin was like the big brother I never had. He really loved me which I really appreciated but he was also extremely overprotective. The trust that bonded us was also the reason why we started doing.... I guess you could call it business. Not the kind you would normally imagine though.

We grabbed some food on the way and after 20 min, we arrived at my house. I checked first if my parents weren't really home and then I gave Collin a sign he could come in.
    "Do we have to do this every time we are at your place?" I could tell he was annoyed by all the sneaking in and out but there wasn't another way. It was not like I had to hide anything but I wanted my parents to know as little as possible about my life. We entered the house and went towards the kitchen.
    "Do you want coffee?" I asked him. He looked kind of tired. He nodded. I quickly turned the coffee machine and made espresso and an Americano. I than sat down and looked him in the eyes. I always thought he had brown deep eyes, but I started to notice a shimmer of Yellow at the center.
    "How have you been?" I hadn't heard from him all week.
    "Good thanks, work has me killing lately but besides that everything is fine."
    "Any news from Dean? Is he coming tonight?" We needed him tonight more then ever.
    "I haven't really heard from him but don't worry you know how he is, he'll show up. He needs the money too." That was fine with me. I knew Dean pretty well and I know how he liked to make a special entrance. Besides he was pretty reliable with the things he cared about.

Nobody would have thought I was capable of planning something like this. Of course I had my reputation as a troublemaker but this was really something else. Of course I was scared, but the satisfaction of breaking the rules was a much stronger feeling.

  "Are you sure it's safe to go to such a well known club?" I was worried we could get caught and ruin all the plans we had.
    "Don't worry they are not going to notice it if we are just gonna stick to the plan. Everything will go smoothly. Are you planning on putting the red dress?" Oh, the red dress. I didn't think about it until now but it seemed plausible since we wanted this time to go all the way. I nodded and Collin smiled satisfied.

He really loved this. We all did. I mean why else would we do it?  It wasn't only about the money. It was about the adrenaline. This feeling throughout the body that makes you feel alive. I always felt half asleep during all my life as if I was observing everything from a long distance. I needed this to feel like I was living again. I stakes were extremely high....but I had nothing to lose.