The Birth of Freedom

Ours is but to do and Die

LEVI

The street had filled with onlookers observing the spectacle of soldiers riding to their doom once again, and I all I could think about her. The redhead plaguing my thoughts sat astride her mount next to her irritating brother and her Section commander, who held her unwavering allegiance. If Miche commanded her to ride to her death then off to the afterlife she rode, such was her loyalty. The thought of her devotion began to twist into dark feelings of jealousy inside me when I thought about what she would do for him. 

Not a day went by since that night in the stables that she hadn't been in the back of my thoughts, tormenting me. I relived that moment every day cursing myself for my selfishness in taking her like an animal and then treating her as if it had meant absolutely nothing, when the truth was the exact opposite. It had been everything.

I had been so hell-bent on putting her in her place that I hadn't seen the danger signs. Furious with her recklessness and so angry at what could have cost her life, I had taken it upon myself to make her see the stupidity of her actions, yet when confronted she had been adamant that it was her job to gamble with herself so offhandedly. I knew I had wanted her, what man with eyes in his head wouldn't, but I had mistaken myself in thinking that what I was feeling was just pure lust. So, when she had dared to challenge me as my equal, it had awoken something inside me that I couldn't control and I had to claim her for my own.

This strange woman who had not asked me for anything and yet gave me everything had spun me about. It had all been so intoxicating, from that first kiss to the moment I had spent myself inside her. My entire being had come into focus, and I had felt something I hadn't felt in full for quite some time, alive. When she had started to force her body back on to mine, and we had become one, I knew she had felt it too. I had not been gentle; I am not by nature a gentle-man, at any moment she could have stopped me, but she hadn't, because deep down, she not gentle either. She may not know it, but there is a darkness inside her that had called to my own, and it had answered.

It wasn't until I had pulled myself from her, and she hissed in pain that I realised that she had not been touched by a man before. I wish I could say I felt guilty at that being her first time, instead of the overwhelming male pride of being the first to claim her, but that would be lying. Watching her pull her clothes back in place, I had been ready to take her again, but when she turned her beautiful, strange eyes towards me, an age-old fear took hold.

I had cared, and that was dangerous. What would become of us if I had allowed myself to fall down that rabbit hole, and worse, what would happen if Aurora was to be killed? After all, it's not a long life we have, killing titans, sooner or later one of us would become fodder. She was strong and fast but not invincible, no one was. I had felt that crippling pain before when Isabel and Farlan were killed and had lost myself to the blood-lust that followed, since then I had forbidden myself to become attached to anyone again and gave myself to the cause, body and soul to account for my failures. There wasn't room inside me for anything else. So, when she had looked at me as she had, I had done the only thing I knew how and closed her off.

Seeing her face had been painful, the shift between pleasure to pain to acceptance and finally resignation had almost been enough to change my mind. Almost. I had let her leave and thought myself to be done with it all. I was again sorely mistaken.

At first, it had been easy, Aurora had taken it upon herself to disappear whenever I was remotely close, which soon escalated into active avoidance on her part. I hadn't expected the cut off to be quite so profound, my body ached to see her, even if it was from afar. Pathetically I had reasoned with myself that I could keep her at arm's length and still have her in my life. I had begun to orchestrate scenarios where I could interact with her safely, such as meal times, gym sessions and training exercises, but she evaded me at every turn. I had even stooped so low as to break into Erwin's office to change the training rota so that I could see her, I had been pleased with myself until that morning when Gelgar had turned up in her place having swapped programmes and I had nearly choked the life out of the squad leader.