(OLD CRINGE) Art, Vents, And Shit

Long ass vent/update

Wow, okay guys, so this is gonna be a huge vent about this shitty year. Honestly, next year is gonna be worse, and I'm trying to brace myself for it. I'm going to start explaining some things from the beginning. This has been a crazy downward spiral of a year.

Lately, I haven't been posting vents in here. Why? Well, I felt bad because I feel like you guys read this and get sad, which isn't what I intend to happen. Be happy, okay? I just really need to throw my emotions on here, because I feel like I can't say them anywhere else. Anyway, to the vent.

The start of this year was alright, I started getting to work with chores and such, and my mom always watched over me. I remember that I used to dislike my dad for moving out to an apartment, but then he moved back in, and that was a really frustrating mess. Mom was pissed off at him (and me, for whatever reason?). So, she'd yell at me, and I always got really scared. I can't handle it if someone yells at me. I'm not sure why, but I guess it triggers some painful memories, so I get silent and fidgety if someone starts yelling. I like loud noise when it's funny, not when it's stressful. I get stressed too easily, and then I get headaches, I stay up far too late (causing my eyes to hurt the next day), and uh yeahhhhh.

Though, when I started homeschool, everything got so much worse. My mom suddenly expected me to start cooking, working, getting off of my phone everyday (I'd get it back when she goes to work at 10 p.m. So, I'd stay up with my phone after she leaves, and this made me develop a deep hatred for my mom), learning how to drive again, and getting ready for when I turn 16. Holy hell, what a ride. Yes, I'm glad to know how to cook, but I already had a class for that. I know how to cook already. I mean, as I said before, that's not the problem.

Soon after I started doing this, my mom seemed to make it harder and harder on me. Like, right now I have my phone, and I'm so glad. Honestly, she might smash it against a table soon. Once, she got extremely mad at me for something, and it made her break a spatula. Also, she once pushed me away by my shoulders during an argument. I was terrified, as expected from a wimp like me. I'm basically a stick that she could break in half over her leg at any given time. Lately I've been waiting for her to lose it with me.

Let's get back on track. Anyway, she started calling me a lot of names, which hurt a lot and have brought me to tears on multiple occasions. She's called me: "stupid" "a retard" "bitch" "not like-able" "has a bad personality" "dumb" "an abuser" "narcissist" "hateful" "a bad person" and more. What really got me though, was when she told me that she was taking my phone away because she was "disowning" me. That I'm not her daughter anymore. That she doesn't care about what I do or where I go, and if I die or not. Like, who says that over their kid not doing chores soon enough? Excuse me?

She always threatens me too. She says that she's gonna send me to some kind of government facility that is really strict on kids' lives and schooling if I piss her off again. I know, my dad would have to allow this, but it still scares me. Well, somehow, after my fights with mom, she always finds a way to convince my dad that I'm the one being problematic. Like, that I "don't want to do chores" and shit like that. When she says that, I honestly just can't take it anymore. I don't know how much more of this pressure I can take. I feel like I'm suffocating, especially when I try to eat food. I don't know why, but my stomach just shuts down when this kind of stuff happens. I can't eat normally, and I get sick the next day. It's really weird, actually. I'm putting these into paragraphs to try to not repeat stuff, by the way.

So yeah, during all of this, I can't have friends over either. Mom says that when I have friends over, she has to stay locked away in her room, so they can't come over. I am fucking- I CAN'T HAVE FRIENDS OVER AND I HOMESCHOOL! I am losing my mind! I am so lonely that I have nobody to talk to (unless it's you guys, but it just doesn't feel the same... y'know?). I've been hiding some things from my therapist too, which I'll bring up during my next session. My mom might cancel that for me too! She says that it "doesn't help" so I should just stop going to it. Well, sorry for trying to seek help! Wow. I'm writing this all down so that I can bring it up to my therapist, because I only go there every 2 or 3 weeks. At this point, I wish that I could go every week. Idk, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Yesterday, I did everything I could. Mom got me and dad to go look for something she wanted at the store, so we did. Once we came back, she randomly started yelling at me! She took my phone OVER NOTHING and omg I just can't. I really can't take this anymore. Tonight, I'm going to stay up all night, and I am going to read every book in my reading lists (the ones that I haven't read, of course) here on Wattpad. I just can't do it all anymore. So, if nothing matters anyway, I might as well do what I love to do. I'm gonna read, write, draw, craft, drink a lot of tea, and stay up until morning. I don't give a shit anymore.

Well, there's more stuff I could vent about, but whatever. My mom has no work for the rest of the week, and I can already tell that it is going to be the worst week of my life.

Away from all of that, I hope that you guys have a great night! Don't let my sad stuff get you down. In fact, lemme just through some funny stuff below!

^ lmao

Haha yeah