(OLD CRINGE) Art, Vents, And Shit

2019 was a shitshow.

This week has been hell. This Sunday I was sitting on the couch and my mom was on the recliner next to it. I was listening to music and started humming, then she told me to "stop" because my humming and my voice was "annoying". I continued humming to be an asshole. Then, my mom stood up and walked over to me, laughed as she put her hands around my neck (like she was gonna choke me) and put pressure and stopped laughing. I thought that she was actually going to strangle me, but then she let me go and returned to her seat. I smiled and pretended that hadn't scared me, but it did.

Then, my mom told me to stop humming or she'd "release the dogs into the street and kill them" and then she'd "do damage" to me. I was just humming, damn. So, for the safety of my dogs, I stopped humming and went into the kitchen. I felt like crying, so I grabbed a bag of goldfish crackers out of the cabinet and sat on a wooden chair. My dad was outside somewhere during the first part of me and mom's argument, but now he entered and saw me in the kitchen. Then, mom started yelling at me from the living-room while I told my dad what had happened. She said shit like "you think I'm scared of your dad?" "You're a bitch" "get a boyfriend and move out of my house" the last one she repeated over and over, it was really strange. I thought that she wanted me to be independent? So I said "I'm not a whore but okay" and then she came into the kitchen and walked up to me. She grabbed the bag of goldfish crackers out of my hand and threw it onto the floor, then got up in my face and started poking me and screaming at me. She was so close that our foreheads were pressed against each other. It was fucking terrifying.

Then, my dad said "why are you guys fighting?!" And kept trying to change the subject. Honestly, at this point, fuck you too dad. Why? Well, he always tries to make me and my mom get along. All the fucking time. I'm not trying to be friends and get along with someone that makes me want to hang myself! No, I won't hang myself. I have things to live for. But honestly, I often think about how it must feel when someone hangs themself. ANYWAY, my mom kept saying mean shit and then left. I started to cry, and then my dad kept telling me "don't cry, don't cry," Instead of telling my mom to fuck off. He just won't tell her that what she's doing to me is wrong, and he always tells me to just ignore it. No dad, I can't just ignore that!

And then, yesterday, my mom started saying that she was gonna kill herself, making me feel bad for her. Then she hugged me (for the first time this year), which pissed me off. I don't want to be played with and torn apart like a rag doll anymore. It hurts so badly. Back to the story, mom went out for a smoke and came back, then she said that she wasn't going to kill herself. Honestly, I felt indifferent. Then, mom said that she was going to go live with a lonely rich guy and I just said "well that's on you, that's your decision" and that was that.

I still feel indifferent. I don't know how to feel. Going back to the ragdoll thing, my stuffing is pouring out of me while I desperately try to shove it back into myself. I feel like I'm trying to sew myself back together, hoping that things will change and that nobody will tear me apart anymore. Everything feels so unreal. I stayed up alone last night, crying on the couch. Yep. I found a song yesterday too, and it's been on replay all day.

Yeah. And, this gif describes how I feel better than my little metaphor or whatever:

Yeah, a blurry tv screen. I feel lost. Like I'm just drifting. I don't know what to do. I just I'll do my chores and draw. Idk. It snowed out, so we probably won't hike. My dad has first shift today (he usually has second shift). Uhhhhh yeah. So, this year sucked. I'm glad that it ends tomorrow. Or tonight. Whatever. I'm just holding on. I have an upcoming trip to New Orleans and Belize. When I get older, I'll have my own house. Nobody will take any of my possessions (or feelings) away from me. I'll finally be free. I just need to hold on. It'll be okay.