Endless Love

Chapter Four

Grace's POV

Some smart mouth comment had exited my mouth and I felt her hand create a sharp sting across my cheek. She had hit me. She had never done that before – she told me she would never do that.

She looked stunned, but I was ready to go now. I grabbed my stuff and sprinted out the door and out of the Dance Studio running away from her as fast as my legs would allow. I ran to my special place, my bench in Central Park.

I sat down and breathed heavily. Complete shock ran through my head, how could she do that to me?

Then I started to get angry. If she had just been a normal mother to me all along then maybe I wouldn't be like this. Oh, she didn't like me like this, because what? I was a misfit with an eating disorder and some stupid baby mental illness? Well tough shit lady, this is all on you. My mind flashed back then to when I was little and all of the trauma she would cause me when she left.

~Flashback 2007~

I felt movement in the bed. I turned over and saw that the outside the window it was pitch black. I saw a figure move in the bedroom, I turned on the bedside lamp and saw Mommy walking to the bathroom. She stopped in her tracks and looked over at me

"What are you doing?" I asked

"Oh baby, it's late. Come on now sweetheart, you need to close your eyes again or you'll be really tired for school" she came and sat on the edge of the bed and I held my arms up for her to take me onto her lap. Instead she pushed them down gently onto the covers and pulled them higher to my chin, tucking me under "Time to sleep now" she hushed gently

"Where are you going again?" fear creeped into my voice because part of me knew that she was going away again. She always went away for the longest times.

"It won't be gone for long this time, only a couple of weeks" she said stroking my face

I knew it, she was trying to leave again. I felt tears accumulate in my eyes and I squeezed them shut to make them stop

"Sssh hey, don't cry baby" she ran her thumb over my cheek

"Don't go. Please don't leave me, Mommy" I whispered

"It's only for a little while, Baby bug, I promise. Now come on, sleepy time" she started running her finger from the top of my forehead and down the tip of my nose, she knew this made me sleepy. I struggled to keep myself awake as sleep began to consume me.

When I woke up, I heard a commotion downstairs. I shot up straight away to go and see if Mommy was still here. As I reached the top of the stairs, I saw her standing with her suitcase, hugging Grandma. I catapulted myself down the stairs and locked my arms around her legs so tight, I thought she would never be able to get me off.

"Gracie..." I heard her sigh

"No, don't go. Please don't go, I just want you to stay. Please Mommy, please please don't leave me" my voice cracked and I cried hard into her legs

She bent over slightly and picked me up onto her hip, rubbing my back as I nuzzled my head into her neck

"You have to stay here, baby bug. Mommy can't take you with her this time. Please don't be sad, honey" she rocked me back and forth in her arms

"I just want you to be here with me" I cried out

"I know baby, but Mommy will be back before you know it, I promise" I felt her trying to hand me over to Grandma and I began screaming a piercing screech and clinging onto Mommy so tight

"Grace don't do this, come on. Let Mommy go" I heard Grandma say

"NO. MOMMY!" I felt her untangle my arms from her neck and she picked up her suitcase. She had tears in her eyes when she looked at me again.

She grabbed my hand firmly and looked me in the eyes "I love you, angel, don't you forget that. I love you more than the entire world. I'll be back very very soon. I'll miss you baby, be a good girl for me while I'm gone"

I screamed out again for her, but before I knew it she was gone. She was out of the door and gone. I continued to scream as loud as I could, almost as if that would make her come back, but it never did.

~ ~

Thinking about all of the times that her leaving went exactly like that. She wouldn't tell me she was leaving, or she would. And I would just end up screaming hysterically for her, crying because all I wanted was for her to take me in her arms and tell me everything was okay, because she wasn't ever going to leave again – I was safe because she was there now, forever. But that never happened, and even now being 13 years old, that was still the only thing I really wanted. But everything had changed now. I no longer yearned for her arms and warmth, she had hit me, I was scared of her now.

I got up from the bench and started to walk home. I didn't want to go, but where else was I supposed to go?

As I reached the front door, I opened it quietly. My mother's cries filled the house, as my Grandmother tried to comfort her. I shut the door and tried to scurry upstairs without them noticing. Just as I was about to reach the top of the stairs, my water bottle fell from the pocket in my bag and thudded to the bottom of the stairs. I cringed at the noise and both my Mother and Grandma appeared in the doorway of the living room, staring up at me. I death stared my mother and waited for her to say something.

"Grace" She croaked

I turned around and went to by bedroom, slamming the door.

This was weird. We never fought like this. I stood in my bedroom, not entirely sure what to do. Normally when she went away, I snuggled up in her bed in her room with my elephant and one of her t-shirts that she had sprayed with her perfume, so it was like she was there. I never liked my room. It's not because it wasn't decorated nice or anything, it just felt weird because it was mine and she wasn't in it. I don't know, it sounds weird, but it makes sense to me. But now, I couldn't go to her room, because I didn't want her. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be away from her. This was oh so very weird. I had spent 13 years of my life doing everything I could within my power to be as close to her as possible, and now all I wanted was to be as far away from her as possible. Crazy how shit flips on a dime.

I sat on the floor with Lelly and stared into space. A knock at the door caused me to jump

"Grace, come to the living room. Your mom is really sorry, she wants to talk to you"

I didn't reply. Instead I got up and went to my bathroom and locked the door.

Sitting on the cold tiled floor, thoughts drifted through my mind. I had been so good lately with my feelings. Come on Grace, you don't want to do this. Yes I did.

I grabbed my razor and slid it over my wrists – much better.