goodnight | junhao au

15.

Tears kept escaping his eyes as he stared up to the ceiling, surrounded by the darkness. 

Minghao didn't know if he exactly felt good or extremely horrible and insecure about himself. But mostly about Junhui, the person that just stepped in his life and changed his world. But also the person who lifted him off the ground, making him feel amazing. Heavenly. 

He wanted to text him. Or call him, because he felt the urge to hear his sweet and slightly deep voice. But the little clock on his nightstand showed him it was already 3 am. Of course he wasn't awake anymore and since it was a special day for him tomorrow, and probably also a heavy day, he knew Junhui could need some extra rest. 

Over all, he didn't wanted to let Junhui know how he felt, all the time. How hurt he actually was. Because he was scared he would lose Junhui too. The only person he felt safe at. Actually safe and at home. That couldn't let that feeling slip trough his fingers. Not again.. 

"You're never going to be loved if you stay like this!" A loud smack was heard trough the entire room as Minghao fell on the ground, cupping the side of his face that got hit. He tried to keep in his tears as he started blinking aggressive. 

Don't cry. Don't show him you're weak. He'll hurt you more if you show him. Don't do it Minghao.

He leaned on his elbow as he tried to get up again, but he didn't got far as a feet hit him right in his stomach. Which made him collapse as he pulled up his legs, trying to muffle the scream that left his lips. This monster.. when will he ever stop? 

When was he ever going to stop hurting him. Pulling him trough this hell he brought him into?

"Just.. argh! Forget it! I'll better get going, don't you even think about sneaking out or calling the cops! I'll kill you myself if you betray me!" Minghao couldn't move because of the stinging pain that went trough his entire body. 

Of course he wasn't planning on doing that. Killing himself would even seem like a better option than running away. He knew eventually the monster would find him. The pain that would follow would be inhuman.. running away wouldn't be an option..

Loud footsteps were heard, followed by the loud sound of the door that got thrown closed. Even though the monster left, Minghao wasn't be able to cry. He would find out he was weak and eventually he would hurt him more. He would hurt him again anyways..

The flashback, one of the so many, came back again. Again.. 

Minghao rolled over, grabbing his pillow and pulling it together to his chest as he started crying out loud. The memories he had about his dad hurted so much.  His body filled with scars didn't even felt like the most painful thing anymore. The scars he left inside Minghao's memories hurted more than anything in the world. 

Minghao's mother died right after he was born,  because of pregnancy poisonings. So he automatically had to grew up alone with his dad. As far as he could remember, there weren't any happy memories in his youth. 

His dad started drinking when he was 5 years old. That was also when he started hurting him physically. Before that he only hurted Minghao with words. About how it was his fault that his mother died and that he would never be loved by anyone. 

After his twelfth birthday it only got worse. His dad started to stay away. Minghao never knew by what reason, he just left the house, leaving Minghao behind. Sometimes it was just for a few days, sometimes even a month. When he came back he always acted more psychopathic than he ever was before. 

He used to beat up Minghao as worse as he could. Breaking a few bones, or continuously hitting until it started bleeding. It just happened, and after a while, Minghao started to get used to it. He knew that it wasn't right to get used to something like that, but it just happened. 

And beside that, he knew he couldn't do anything about it. His dad used to threaten him with the worst things possible. How was he supposed to do anything if he knew his dad would only hurt him more? 

But at school it also only got worse. He got bullied, which made him depressed. Being unpopular didn't even seem that bad compared with being bullied. So it wasn't only his dad anymore who used to tell him how useless and horrible he was. Everyone did it. He felt as if he was all alone. 

He turned 16 and got suicidal. After everything that happened, basically his whole life, he didn't know what to do anymore. So he decided it would be better if he just... disappeared. 

But he couldn't kill himself. He knew he was too weak to just, end it. Even though the thoughts in his head were killing him inside, he couldn't do it. So he disappeared. He sneaked out of the house while his dad was gone again. 

He went to the other side of the country, with all the money he had at that moment to buy an appartement close to the school he wrote himself into. As soon as he got there he applied himself into a job, so he could stay in the appartement he rented. It wasn't that expensive, so he could stay easily. 

He got himself a new phone, so that his dad wasn't able to trace him. That didn't stop the fact that Minghao was terrified he would find him someday. Even though it was 2 years ago already, he was traumatized for life. 

No one knew about it, because he promised himself he would start over again. He wasn't going to be an outcast again, he would be happy and he was going to make a bunch of new friends. And he made it! 

But that didn't stop his sleeping issue, his crying when he was alone, not even to start about his still not cured depression that was only getting worse everyday...

But then Junhui stepped into his life. A guy that made him feel at home, that made him stop thinking about his problems because he was the person that took most of his thoughts. Junhui lifted his mood easily. 

He never felt this sparkling feeling before. Not with the girls he dated before. Not with anyone he met before..

"Minghao, you're gay as fuck."

Mingyu's words haunted him. He knew his best friend was right. Ever since he met Junhui his complete world turned around. But it felt right. It felt so right..

Suddenly he grabbed his phone, opening Junhui's chat as he started to type a message. After he felt satisfied with it he shut it off and layed back on his pillow, staring in the dark again and feeling a bit better. Softly and finally, drifting off to sleep.

Hao: Junhui, I miss you.. (Draft)