midnight dramas│k.nj + k.sj ✔

p i l s e n

five more nights later, namjoon rests his pen on top of his book. he has been reviewing for the past couple days for their upcoming exams.
as much as he can, he put all his effort into studying because he knows exame are a big part in the computations of his grades. if he wanted to graduate college, he knew he needs to focus.

after hours of reviewing, namjoon finally gives up.
it is almost twelve and he needs to sleep.
he's slowly building up a routine of reviewing and then going to sleep because it helped his mind retain information a little better than just literal hours of reviewing and then tiring yourself with other stuff.

but at the same time he yawns, there comes a knock on his door. he jumps back a little, surprise written across his face. slowly he gets up and walks towards the door. he peeps through the peephole and sees a familiar face.
his heart momentarily stops from beating as he swings the door open.
seeing seokjin again after a long while of him not showing up at his apartment door brings an ache to namjoon's chest he did not dare show on his face.
after all, he realized he isn't seokjin's priority in life.

and so he stands there with an aching heart and a warm smile on his lips.
"you've been gone for while, seokjin."

liquor-filled smile, seokjin looks at him.
"i'll tell you all about it but first, let me sit down, please. my back is aching." namjoon lets him in and closes the door. seokjin sits down, surprisingly not holding any liquor in his hands.

"uhm, okay.. so.. first thing's first," seokjin says, slurring the words, "i just wanna say that i'm—"

namjoon abruptly stops him.
"it's.. it's okay. you don't need to apologize to me. we all have different priorities in life and i know that you have things to do." he says.

seokjin's brows furrows, a small pout on his plump lips.
"please let me say sorry. i want to lift this weight off of my chest, joonie. i want to lift any doubts in your mind and the ache in your chest."

would he let seokjin?
the days they didn't see each other weighed them down and here's seokjin, wanting to lift it all away. him alone. in the back of his mind, he understands seokjin completely and isn't thinking about anything else; life is like that. but a selfish part of him wants just a little bit of an apology. just like seokjin, he wants the heavy weight off of his chest and maybe, the only way is to hear seokjin out.

he wonders, how did seokjin guess his heart is aching? what doubts is seokjin specifically pertaining?
no, namjoon didn't ask any of those. instead, he says a different thing.
"no, there isn't any ache in my chest. don't worry about it."

seokjin seems to believe his words.
he smiles a little. namjoon shifts his weight from sitting on the sofa.
"of course there isn't. silly me," seokjin mutters loudly, "i wanted to say i'm sorry for not coming by lately. uni has been extremely stressful and i'm trying my best to keep up. our exams ended a just yesterday but of course, uni is uni and we won't have anytime to at least breathe a little because they'll start another set of lessons again. life has been really, really, stressful for me, joonie. but still, i'm trying really hard to study."

namjoon doesn't say anything. he just sits there, looking at seokjin, occasionally nodding his head and humming in response and seokjin talks.
"i didn't want to become a burden to you. i didn't want all my emotional luggage thrown at you. i didn't want all my negativity encircle you for god knows how long. i didn't want to always rely and vent on you because i.. i know you have a lot of stuff you focus on. i noticed you're a really smart guy and prioritize your studies so i don't want other people's problems distract you from becoming the best in your field."

somehow, seokjin's words lifted the ache from his chest.
he is right, seokjin's reasons were understandable and there is no point in feeling down with him not showing up.
"it's okay. really. uni is understandable and it's okay to feel down because of university. i completely understand that, seokjin." he replies.

"i wanted to erase whatever doubts you're having in your mind about me." seokjin says, looking down.

"specifically?"

seokjin twirls his finger around the hem of his loose shirt.
"i didn't want you to think i'm leaving you hanging in thin air. or that i rant nonsense every night and then leave just like that. and i don't want you thinking i ghosted you or something."

ghosting, huh?

ghosting someone happens most of the time with people that have attachments or are in a relationship and the fact that seokjin used that term made namjoon think.
"ghost me," he asks, "we aren't attached to each other so if ghosting me ever crosses your mind, it's okay."

it should be, right? in the first place, he isn't anything special to seokjin and if he wanted to leave and never come back, he is free to do so.
no matter how it will hurt namjoon in the process.

seokjin momentarily freezes in his seat before finally regaining his composure. he gave namjoon a small smile.
"oh.. yeah. yeah, of course. we aren't attached or anything."

he is free to do so.
in the end, namjoon knows if he wanted to pull seokjin back when he starts to leave, he can't. what's the use of pulling someone back to you when they aren't attached to you in the first place?

"and so if you'll be gone for day or for a few months or for several years or maybe you somehow decided to never return to this small apartment, know that it will always be okay."

—

a/n:

i just want to self-destruct. :")
thanks to kina's can we kiss forever that im currently listening to as im writing this whole chapter cuz *wipes tear* it helped me write this painful chapter lmao

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this is becoming too long sorry.
bye bye