The Spare To The Throne

Chapter 28: Revengeful Yearning

Time never seemed so stagnant when you yearn for something so bad. It has been a week since Xavier left me to wallow in the guilt and misery his loathing induced on my heart. Every minute dragged, which only tested my patience.

I wanted nothing more other than to stand up for myself for once. For once in my life, I want to assert myself and retaliate. There's only so much one could take before reaching a breaking point. In my head, time is deliberate, which becomes a torturous punishment. But I know that mentally, I'm not here. So my judgments can't be right. I close my eyes, picturing how it's all going to transpire.

Xavier's blood will trickle down my hands, and it's going to feel great. It'll feel warm and slick. Perhaps it'll be cold to the touch, like his heart of stone. Already, I envision crimson red soaking him all over. He'll beg and I'll deny him mercy. He's undeserving of it and I'll make sure he's aware of that. I gasp and open my eyes. My body itches for vengeance, and the desire cannot be refused. The room is concealed in complete darkness. The moon's silver rays peeks through an open part in the density of the window curtains. The rays shine in a lined pattern on the carpet floor. I stare at it, contemplation questions my sanity.

Revenge could only do so much. What if things don't go as planned, what then? This will be the end of you, Farrah. Thoughts of discouragement swarm my mind.

But I don't care. This is for Doug more than anything. Everything that happened in the basement was my fault. Everything. If only I wasn't such a coward, I could've pressed on. I should've found him sooner. It should've been me instead of him. But things ended in such an unfortunate manner, I can't help but feel vulnerable. Hopeless was the word to describe it all and I was sick of it. I think back to how Doug's eyes locked with mine. Even after he was killed. They would haunt me for eternity.

I can no longer envisage a life in this house especially under Xavier's rule. Everyday has been full of thoughts of what ifs and if only's  ever since Xavier found me and brought me back into his captivity.

Outside my window, I hear an owl hoot. The sound takes me out my train of thought, and for the first time in a long time, I get out of bed. The silver tray of food Alice placed beside my bed shimmers against the moon's beam. I grab a piece of bread and eat it. My appetite was as nonexistent as my feelings for Xavier.

It wrecks me that I let him touch me. Disgust was an understatement, but I can't change what had already taken place. I was a fool. I cringe, reminiscing the touch of his hands. He encapsulated me like he did others, I'm sure. He was toying with me, always had from the start. The day we went to the carnival, was a knight move. He put on a damn good front, knowing Doug was tucked away in the depths of his basement. And I was the pawn he played with. I toss the remnants of the bread back onto the tray.

The marble flooring of my bathroom is cold against my feet. I don't bother to turn on the lights. Turning on the shower, I strip and enter the glass shower stall. The water is ice cold and it pricks at my skin. I don't it mind though, I find it comforting. I take a seat on the floor and close my eyes.

This will pass, Farrah. In due time, this will pass.

But I don't believe myself. Time passes by unmeasured and I don't know how long I've been sitting here. The numbness of my skin stand as indication for me to get out. I do so. I dry off in the darkness and find something to wear. This takes no time since I lack the care for my physical appearance. It's all fucking meaningless. At least to me it is.

I make my way slowly towards my bed. My eyes fixate on the phone laid on my night stand. Xavier. The more I thought of him, the more my blood boiled. I was seething, but I wouldn't let him see that. He'd know he was getting to me. Although he was, that power of superiority no longer belonged to him. Without further thought, I pick up the phone. All hesitation becomes vanquished by my irrefutable anger.