The Spare To The Throne

Chapter 33: Guilt-tripped

It has been a week, going onto two. A week and half since I've rejected Xavier and ever since then, he's been ignoring me. His attention matched those of the sentries that guard his door and gate. At first, I just thought that he was giving me space to recollect myself. Space and time for him to plot a ghastly punishment that'll make me take back my words even if I didn't mean it. But it never came. Within the span of these 10 days, I've become invisible, completely nonexistent to him. I moved back into my room just to distance the space between us. Xavier didn't object and Alice has stopped watching me. This was the independence I wanted, yet the past few nights alone have become restless. Sleep doesn't come easily as it used to and I blame the unfamiliar adjustment.

Xavier isolates himself with every chance he gets. If we were to simultaneously be in the same setting, he'd leave. Not once have I seen his eyes meet mine. Not once have I heard his voice or felt the coarse surface of his hands. Somehow I've grown accustomed to his touch, but I know that the same way I've adapted to his being, I can adapt to not being around him. This new feeling was fresh and although it's not my complete freedom I believe that it's better than nothing. It's subtle, but I can feel Xavier's feelings for me slowly dissipating, or at least I believed.

His distaste for me can't be ignored. Whenever I'm near, he'll mask a scowl. His fingers will entangle themselves in those silky jet black strands of hair and he'd tense. We're growing distant. We ate our meals separately and did everything in our power not to cross paths. Although we're both shunning each other, I can't help but feel he's doing a better job. It's the way he disregards my presence, belittling my existence mutely. This is everything I wanted. The unrelenting mutual antipathy we both share for each other. Yet there's this unfamiliar twinge in my chest and it gnaws at the thought. If this is what I wanted, what's the problem?

Nothing. There is no problem.

There's this anxious feeling that's breeding day by day. I'm keen to this feeling but the reason for feeling like this is unknown. 

You miss your family, Farrah. That's why.

This was undoubtedly a fact. Not a single day passed without the thought of Mason and my parents crossing my mind. Mason's voice was now unimaginable to me. I ponder whether or not his girlfriend, Chelsey, had given birth yet. It's been so long since I've seen either of them, the thought makes my eyes swell.

I think back to Xavier's buttery words. 'What is it that you desire? Tell me and I'll give it to you.'

But that was before I turned him away. His ardent desire to please me was tempting but at the time I thought nothing of it. And now, more than ever I wanted something from him. I'd kill for a phone call with my parents. Anything to hear the sound of their voices, I'll do it. But the thought of requesting something so redundant in Xavier's eyes didn't sit well. Especially after I've done something I never thought I could do. Hurt him.

It's crazy how words can bring about so much pain, sometimes greater than physical. All it takes is the right person. Since the first time we met, Xavier has always put on this tough persona. The I get what I want when I want attitude. The I don't care because your opinions can't sway me kind of makeup. But now, that temperament was gone. 

I stare at my ticking wall clock, uninterested. This feeling is gaping. The steady ticks of the clocks count away endless seconds. I think back to Xavier and I's last conversation. The anguish that enveloped him after I compared him to King Adonis is indescribable. I could almost see him shatter and as sickening as it is, apart of me enjoyed seeing his downcast gaze. It gave me a sense of power and for once I was in control. Not him. Despite it being the truth, my triumphant spirit of marveling in Xavier's despondency was short-lived.