The Spare To The Throne

Chapter 36: Beauty On A Canvas

I had signed my own death wish without even knowing it. It felt like walking on thin ice, holding your breath with fingers crossed that the ground beneath me won't slip away.

What have I done?

The question races my mind nonstop. My intentions weren't to give Xavier some kind of credence to our below par relationship, if I should even call it a relation. Yet I did. And regret vegetated with every passing second. That night on his balcony, I lost myself. In fact, I think we both did and at the moment the feeling was enthralling. It felt like plunging down in full force from the highest peak and the thrill was elating until I met the ground. Then everything begins settling in. I went swimming in Xavier's icy orbs, and now I'm drowning.

The thought was feeding my anxiety and I let out a shaky breath. How will I ever escape now? Leaving now seems unfeasible and I have myself to blame. I think back to Willow. This has to be the most selfless thing I've ever done. But I did a good thing. A friendship thing. At least that's what I'm trying to cajole myself.

A blacker rubber spatula sways in front of me. I blink and glance towards Alice.

"Hey," she exclaims. "I've been calling your name but you don't seem to hear." her eyebrows knit together. "How would you like your eggs?"

"Sorry," I mutter. "It doesn't really matter."

She turns back to the stove, humming a soft tune mindlessly. I pick at my nails, losing myself in my thoughts again.

"Tell me," she starts. "How'd it go with Xavier?"

I peek back at her turned frame. Wouldn't she like to know. There's no "it". Whatever that is, it's nonexistent and even if there was an "it" I wouldn't tell her. She'd be thrilled and quite frankly I'm not in the mood. Rather than saying something I'll regret later, I ignore her.

She plates my food then turns towards me. "Hey, you okay?"

I shrug my shoulders. I stopped being okay since the day I stepped foot in this house. I'm far from feeling alright but telling her couldn't change a thing. I'll just be wasting my time.

"Well then," she huffs. "If you ever want to talk you know where I am."

"Actually I don't. I'd ask Edwin, but we both know why I can't do that either." I scowl.

Alice takes a step back as bewilderment takes her by surprise. She opens her mouth as if to say something but she doesn't. Instead her lips form into a downward expression and a look of hurt masks her face. My eyes widen as my own bitter tone resonates in my ears. I didn't mean it. I'm just in a bad mood and instantly the need to apologize prick at my insides.

"Alice, I'm-"

Just then Xavier walks in. Both our heads turn in his direction and one by one I feel the tiny hairs on my arm stand.

"Morning sir," Alice slightly bows and bemusement causes me to give her a questioning look. But I shake it off, remembering my rude statement from earlier. I need to apologize. I didn't mean what I said. It just came out and I don't know. Her questions were pestering at the moment but that was no justification to act coldly towards her.

Xavier ignores her greet and meets my gaze first. Instantly a pulse of magnetic strength makes us lock. My heart picks up its pace to an abnormal rhythm and I find myself breathing harder to fill my lungs. The rooms falls awfully quiet and silently, Alice prepares a second plate. The closer he drew, the more his scent filled the room. Or maybe I'm just imagining this. His aroma, nonetheless, spurred me to take in more of a deep breath, but I don't.

He takes the seat across from me. I don't see this, I just know. Alice slides a plate in front of Xavier then leaves the kitchen. The urge to get up and follow her and apologize entices me, but I know I shouldn't. At least not now. He begins to eat and I try doing the same. It's crazy how I'm dining with the man who kidnapped me, carved me, and hurt me in more way that I can describe. Will he do all these things again? And if so, when? He said he'd change, that he was different. But that was a lie or so I believe. This man is dangerous and he managed to ensnare me with bewitching traits I don't want to name.