l'effet mer

roommates.

i can't tell if i want to find you when i open the door.
what i want to find is silence. what i wanted to find was loneliness.
i know it might seem difficult to understand.
being constantly with people drains so much energy.
i'd like to stay with your brain.
i don't want you to tell me about that one hollywood film you have seen.
i don't want to you to overreact in front of the weather.
i sometimes want you to shut up
just shut up.
don't feel special. i also want me to shut up.
this is easier
i just have to tell everyone everything, but in my head.
i cannot tell if i want to find you when i open the door.
do you get called "special"?
i do.
that's a nice word for whatever is out of social decorum.
our teacher told us about decorum
do you remember?
you remember everything
with your goddamn eidetic memory.
i believe i adore you very much
but at the wrong times.
i'm never sure, with you.
nothing fits in the timeline anymore.
will we solve the mystery of the boarding school's ghosts together?
or will we end up with five walls between us?
i am not sure if i want to find you when i open the door.

(january 2020)