Heartbeat (Lauren Jauregui)

Chapter 11

Olivia's POV

I woke up with a small smile on my face remembering my afternoon with Brayden. I quickly got myself ready for school. Although, today was Friday so that also put me in a good mood. I don't think anything will put me in a grump, not even Miss. Jauregui.

Well, tell a lie, just thinking about her makes me a little angry. I quickly snapped my thoughts back to Brayden and how sweet he was. The only problem I am facing is that I can't view Brayden as more than a friend. I thought with how much I thought of him last night that maybe I could have potentially liked him more than that. But, the more I contemplated my feelings for Brayden I realised they were nothing more than the feelings I have towards DJ and I definitely will never ever date Dinah. Brayden would make a good friend and I'm sure he would make an excellent boyfriend for someone else.

The more I considered how I felt in the situation the more I realised that I will never like Brayden more than a friend and that hurt. The kiss we shared was nice, but it wasn't a kiss that I would love to repeat. Having one kiss with Brayden was more than enough. The thought of sharing another did make me cringe a little. My good mood very quickly deteriorated; I just can't disappoint my mum anymore. The genuine happiness her face showed when I mentioned that there was a possibility of Brayden becoming my boyfriend made me feel even guilty that this was all one massive lie. Well, it was a massive lie to me. I thought more about Brayden's feelings and it broke me to think that I would potentially lead him on just to break his heart. I can never live up to my mum's expectations. I wish she had no expectations, but she will always expect me to live up to her dreams. Her dream for me was to marry a nice man, pop out a couple of children, get myself a good job. It never included my happiness, my health, my dreams. I really wish we could talk about it instead, but I know she won't listen. She will only hear what she wants to hear and what she wants to hear is that I am a huge disgrace.

I thought about my dad's words, don't jeopardise my happiness for my mothers. It's not just my happiness though, it is my family, my wellbeing, my life. If I say three simple words to my mother, that will be it, I will lose it all. She would lose all respect for me and I can't have that. My mum would disown me, that would be my family gone. My mum would make my life not worth living, that would be my happiness gone.

I don't want to think about these things anymore. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something that makes me happy.

"Olivia! You are going to be late for school if you don't leave now!" My mum yelled from the bottom of the stairs. I quickly stood up and grabbed my bag and rushed down the stairs. She smiled at me and told me to have a good day. I said a quick goodbye before getting into my car and driving to school.

I walked into the school and hurried myself to my locker, where my friends were standing with their arms crossed. They were fine with me on the phone last night. What has put them in a bad mood now.

"We didn't want to talk about this last night as you seemed happy. Happier than you have been for a while, but you can't treat Miss. Jauregui the way you did." Dinah said. I knew this was bad if Dinah was being serious.

"Why do we have to keep talking about her?" I questioned. I completely ignored their angry faces. I don't understand why this is bothering them so much. I bet if I did this to another teacher they wouldn't care. In actual fact they might have even thought it was funny.

"You made her cry!" Ally said, her face red with anger. I'm almost certain that steam blew out of her ears. The thought of it made me chuckle a little.

"Are you fucking laughing!" Mani said angrily. I gulped and looked at her with wide eyes. They are really mad at me.

"I don't know what has happened to you, but this isn't you." Dinah said, "You wouldn't treat anyone the way you are treating Miss. Jauregui."

I looked down at the floor. I knew they were right; I wasn't normally like this.

"Did she really cry?" I asked, my voice quiet. They all said yes. I sighed, I had to apologise to her. I just hope she can forgive me. I had no excuse for my actions, no reasons as to why I treated her the way I did. I guess I was angry, and she was an easy target because I don't know her. The thought of making Miss. Jauregui cry made me want to cry.

"I need to apologise to her now." I said. They all nodded knowingly. I quickly rushed off in the direction of her classroom. I pushed past all the students and before I knew it, I was in front of the door to her room. I took a couple of deep breaths to calm myself down before I knocked.

I heard shuffling coming from inside the classroom and soon enough the door swung open revealing Miss. Jauregui. The smile on her face immediately dropped when she saw me. The guilt I felt increased. I awkwardly scratched the back of my head. I was unsure as to how I should approach the topic that I so dreaded. She continued to stare at me as I plucked up the courage to say something.

"I couldn't convince Principal Smith to transfer you out of my class." She said, her voice low and raspy. The sadness she portrayed caught me off guard. I just nodded at her.

"Can we talk?" I asked nervously. She just nodded and stepped back into her classroom motioning me to follow her.

"Miss. Jauregui, I'm really sorry for everything I said and did to you. You were right, you didn't deserve it. Everything I did was pathetic and wrong. I have no excuses for what I did. Again, I'm really sorry." I said hoping she realises that my apology was genuine.

"I forgive you. I know what you are going through is rough and I understand." She said whilst gently placing her hand on my arm. I looked at her slightly puzzled at her; how would she understand what I am going through? A small sad smile appeared on her and she guided me to her desk and pulled a chair out for me to sit on. Which I kindly accepted and thanked her.

"My dad was homophobic; he didn't accept me for who I was, and I hid it from him. The anger I felt towards him I directed to other people. That sounds familiar doesn't it." She said. I nodded, although I don't really think I have ever felt anger towards my mother. She must have caught the slight confusion on my face.

"I know what you are thinking. I have never been angry towards my parents because of their views, but the feeling that you are disappointing her is eating away at you. You feel like you can't live the life you want. You have to do everything by her rules, and you can't set your own. You can't be who you really are and that is sad. Nobody on this earth should feel any less than who they are because of something they are unable to change about themselves" I smiled at her sadly.

"Why are you being so kind to me Miss. Jauregui? I was horrible to you." I queried. I looked down at my hands.

"You remind me of myself." She said.

"So, you are gay?" I asked, she just chuckled making me smile.

"If you must know the label, I am pan." She responded. I nodded.

"I wish I was pan, then at least I could date a boy without feeling so disgusted with myself." I muttered. I do hope she didn't hear me.

"You should never feel disgusted with who you love."

I stood up and thanked her for the talk before saying that I had to get to class.

"I just hope to see you in my class today Olivia" She said with hopeful eyes. I just grinned at her and nodded.