SHE (bk 1)

FORTY

HEY HEY HEY!! We are on chapter FORTY and as you can tell I have been trying to grind out a bunch of chapters every couple days, its gonna start to get good if you know what I mean ;) Hope everyone is safe and healthy!! Much love guys! 

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Was it somehow her fault?

Clementine wondered to herself, was it her that was the problem in all her relationships with men? She reached up to prod the black eye that was lingering much longer than she had wanted it to, wincing as the bruise was still tender to the touch. 

Max always made it seem like she somehow contributed to the anger he felt when he decided to abuse her, that if she hadn't provoked him none of it would have happened. Clementine began to wonder if it actually was her, that if she had just given him enough attention maybe he wouldn't have hit her. Maybe he would have loved her the way she wanted him to.

But if that was the case, what about all of the unprovoked attacks?

The attacks that happened when she was half asleep and wondering why he was holding her down to the bed. The attacks that happened when she was taking care of her mother after a hard treatment or the attacks of when he came to her apartment drugged out of his mind and looking for an argument. 

Clementine pulled the maroon hat farther down her head as the brisk air ate at her exposed skin, eyes closing gently as small snowflakes hit her eyelashes. Shaking her head to try and free her mind of the intruding thoughts that had been roaming through her mind since the night at the Diner. The blonde had let the invasive and absolutely absurd thoughts ruin her days, anxiety peaking from her chest as she placed all the blame on herself. 

Her gray eyes peered over at Gemma as the small brunette took her hand, squeezing as she offered Clementine a wide, comforting smile. Gemma could see the anguish on Clementine's face and without Harry here to calm her down she decided it would be her to step up. The Styles' family wanted to walk around New York City and sight see while Harry was in yet another meeting. He was missing out on a whole day with them but Clementine couldn't complain because she was quite fond of his family and they felt the same about her. 

Clementine smiled back at Gemma and continued on down the crowded streets as she remembered something her mother had said to her on a day she felt like giving up on everything. 

"I have watched you get torn down and put down so many times but somehow you still do  on everything in your power to build up other people....to make them feel comfortable. It's so sweet and so beautiful to watch you learn from past mistakes and improve your character, you build other people up because you know all too well what it is like to be torn down."

She felt her eyes water as she pictured that award winning smile on her mothers lips, a shine in her gray eyes she longed to see again. It felt so unbelievably...unfair that she would never see her mother smile again or hear that goofy laugh that ended in a snort. So incredibly unfair. 

"Clementine want some hot chocolate?," The blonde's eyes looked up quickly to meet Robin's as he gave her a comforting smile. Her head only nodding with a small smile as she took her gloves off, the warmth of the cup burning her hands but it was a welcome feeling. 

Anne and Gemma took their drinks, "Hey you two we're going into this shop wait for us here?"

Robin sent them a knowing smile as they sat down on the bench overlooking the city streets, people passing by quickly and cars honking in the background. The older man let out a few coughs before Clementine looked over at him, the paleness of his skin being the obvious to her. 

"How are you feeling?," He asks the girl as his eyes gaze over her black eye before gliding up to the stitched up cup on her forehead almost covered by her hat. She was still beautiful but so completely broken looking, you could almost read it right off her expression.

She laughed slightly, "I feel as if I should be asking you that...I am fine this was on me but you actually have something uncontrollable so please focus on keeping yourself well. Don't worry about me."

Robin frowned, "You think what that man did to you was your fault?," her eyes glazed over as she looked away from him and back to the lit up buildings that surrounded them. "Never make excuses for a man who did not treat you correctly, do not put yourself down to make an explanation as to why it happened. He was small compared to you Clementine, he had so little to give that he had to make you this big to feel as if he deserved you," she looked over as he pinched his pointer finger and thumb together to show how she felt. 

She wanted to believe that he was right and he wasn't just trying to make her feel better, but she couldn't help her next question. "If he didn't deserve me why is it that I feel that he is what I deserved? That...that he will be what I end up with, that he will be the best I could do," she whispers and looks over at Robin who was smiling over at her. 

"Oh Clementine...you remind me so much of my wife," his eyes light up at the thought of Anne, "When I met her she had no idea what love was or what she wanted out of life but when I finally showed her how she should be treated, it was like loving a new woman. She now never settles for anything she doesn't deserve and makes sure I know when I screw up believe me," Clementine laughs with Robin as he makes his eyes wide. 

Clementine notices a tear in his eye, "I...I feel comforted in the fact that she is finally where she needs to be so when I pass whenever that may be she will be okay. I love my wife with all of my heart and the thought of leaving her alone eats at me everyday but...she is the strongest woman I know," he wipes his eyes and Clementine feels herself tearing up at the fact Robin has come to terms with what his diagnosis meant. 

"No matter how strong she is I can bet you she won't get through life easy without you...take it from me. I'm twenty-three and this past month without my mother has been the hardest of my life, it's like my Northern Star burned out. I feel like I lost direction and I have no idea where I'm supposed to go from here," she laughs gently and jumps as Robin lays his arm around her shoulders to pull her into his side. 

He kisses the top of her hat, "Well if you need guidance Anne and I will be here, just think of us as your fosters," Clementine looks up at him from under her eyelashes with a wide smile. This family has taken her under their wings and helped her from the very minute they got to New York. 

Clementine couldn't help but think the Styles' family was sent to her by angels or God himself.