I Will Never Let You Go (A Maxcer Fanfic)

Hearts Like a Knife.

Warning: there is talk about miscarriage.

Max woke up abruptly from having a bad dream. She sat up in bed trying to catch her breath. Her heart was pounding so hard in her ears that she didn't hear Spencer saying her name. Max only remembered he was in bed with her when he grabbed her arm, pulling on it to get her attention. She finally looked at him, and all Spencer could see at first was fear and shock. Then, he saw her face flush like it had for the past couple weeks and he knew what would come next.
"Bathroom. Go, now." Spencer said urgently. Max rushed to the bathroom and from where Spencer was still in their bed, he could hear her expelling the contents of her stomach. With a sigh, he put on his glasses, got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. He saw Max still bent over the toilet, now dry heaving. He got behind her and rubbed her back, shushing her as she tried to get him back to bed. He'd gotten home late from a case last night and had a rough time falling asleep. Max didn't want to burden him, but Spencer was persistent; no matter what she said, he wanted to be there for her in any way that he could. After she had slowed down her breathing and got her gagging under control, Max picked her head and flushed the toilet, closing the lid and taking a seat on it. Spencer was still crouched on the floor and he looked up at her.
"How do you feel now?" Spencer asked, putting a hand on her leg.
"Icky. And I've been having these cramps for two days now that haven't gone away and it's starting to worry me."
"How bad are they?" Spencer asked, trying not to let his concern slip through.
"Not that bad. But they're definitely present and it's on all parts of my stomach. It's weird, I haven't felt anything like it before."
"Well having some cramping is normal. It's most likely due to your uterus and surrounding muscles stretching. If it gets worse, we should call your doctor. As for the morning sickness, that should be ending soon; or at least diminishing since you're twelve weeks now."
"I don't think it was just morning sickness this time." Max mumbled. She was looking down while she picked at her nails. Spencer tilted her chin up to look at him. He gave her a look, hoping she'd elaborate for him, but instead she pushed him away and stood.
"I gotta brush my teeth." Max said. Spencer blew air out of his nose and stood as well. As Max put toothpaste on her brush, Spencer wrapped his arms loosely around her waist from behind. "Does this have anything to do with your bad dream?" Spencer asked softly. Max looked at him in the mirror.
"Maybe. I don't know." Max shrugged. She put her brush in her mouth while Spencer watched her in the mirror. When she was almost finished, he asked "Do you wanna talk about it?" She spit the toothpaste into the sink and rinsed her mouth. Wiping her lips and turning around in his arms, Max said "Not at the moment." Spencer put a hand on her cheek and gave her a small smile. He placed a kiss on her lips, then pulled her body closer to his. Max wrapped her arms around his neck for a moment, then loosened her grip and said "I'm gonna go make us some breakfast." Spencer immediately grabbed her hands to hold her in place.
"No you're not, I am. You, are gonna lay in bed or take a shower, whichever you prefer until it's done."
"Spence, you got home at almost two in the morning, and you were woken up by me. I'll make breakfast, you should get another hour of sleep."
"Max, I'm not always here to make breakfast for you. Either I have to leave earlier than you or I'm on a case. I probably will need a nap later today, but right now I feel pretty good energy wise. Please, just let me do this for you." Max thought about this for a moment. She still felt a bit sick, and she didn't want to risk making it worse while she cooked. With a sly smile, she asked "Blueberry pancakes?" Spencer grinned. "You got it." He kissed her forehead and went to go downstairs to the kitchen. Max ran a hand through her hair, suddenly feeling the intense need for a shower. As she stripped out of her clothes, she did catch a glimpse of her body in the mirror. Her boobs had grown two sizes, causing her to buy new bras. And she noticed a difference in her stomach. It was normally pretty flat, but today was the first day that Max could see a small bump. She put a hand to her belly, imagining what it was gonna be like when it was more noticeable.
After Max's shower, she decided to put on a different pair of pajamas, making today a comfy day. She put one of Spencer's hoodies over a T-Shirt, feeling chills from stepping out of a hot shower. As she walked downstairs, she could smell pancakes and eggs being made. Normally they would make bacon as well, but as of two weeks ago Max developed a sensitivity to it, making her gag at the smell of it. Her stomach growled, and she suddenly became eager to eat. Max walked into the kitchen, where Spencer was finishing up a couple more pancakes on their skillet and stirring around some scrambled eggs. He tried to throw a blueberry in the air and catch it with his mouth, but he missed and it fell to the ground. Max giggled, which caught Spencer's attention. Blushing, he asked "How was your shower?" Max walked down the rest of the steps and said "It was nice. Found something." Spencer tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy. Walking up to him, Max lifted the hoodie and shirt she was wearing to reveal her stomach. When she turned to the side, Spencer could definitely see a difference. "Oh wow." He crouched down in front of Max, putting a hand on her belly. He could feel the slight swell in it that normally wasn't there. Spencer looked up at Max. "See, that's probably what's causing the discomfort. You're in luck though, because blueberries have been proven to reduce inflammation and lessen pain and there are some blueberry pancakes that have your name on it." Max giggled again and pulled her shirt down. Spencer stood up and went back to flip the pancakes. Max sat down on a bar stool, waiting for Spencer to serve her a plate. He eventually gave her pancakes, eggs, and a mug of hot chocolate. Digging right in, Max was happy to get something into her stomach again. Spencer sat down next to her with his own plate, and in his other hand he had a can of whipped cream. Max eyed it as Spencer put some on his pancakes and then a dollop in his mouth. He turned to Max with an innocent face. "Oh you want some? Too much sugar is bad for the baby." Spencer said with a teasing look. He'd been making sure that Max had a balanced diet, but she primarily craved sweet, creamy things: like ice cream, cannolis, yogurt, and whipped cream. Max shook her head at him and snatched it out of his hands, dousing her pancakes with the topping. To top it off, she put even more of it in her mouth than she did on her plate. Spencer didn't even try to stop her, he just tried to keep himself from laughing. He failed, and Max aimed the can at his face. He put his fork down and put his hands up in surrender, and Max put the can on the table in front of them. They ate for a few minutes in silence, and Spencer saw that Max had stopped eating halfway through, staring down at something on the countertop. "You full?" Spencer asked. Max perked up, shook her head, and continued eating slowly. Spencer put down his fork and swiveled in his seat to face her. "Are you thinking about that dream?" Max looked at him, with her lips in a tight seal, then she said "You know I don't like talking about dreams. It's creepy."
"True, but it helps to talk about them sometimes. It can help you cope with whatever is bothering you, which I've noticed there is something."
Max put down her fork and swiveled around in her chair, folding her arms and leaning against the counter. "Okay. It's a normal day; different scenarios each time. Sometimes I'm home, sometimes I'm at work. Sometimes you're home, sometimes you're not. But what happens next is usually the same; I wake up from a nap, not remembering what I was doing before, and there's blood in between my legs. My bump is hardly visible so I know I'm not far along. Even if you're not home, I still scream your name, but somehow you never get to me. I end up waking up because I start to feel intense pain in my stomach." Spencer listens intently to Max the entire time, remembering and analyzing what she's saying.
"Well this seems kinda obvious, but it could be that you're afraid of miscarrying. Do you think that's true?"
Max took a deep breath through her nose and let it out through her mouth. She nodded.
"Have you had any experience with miscarriages before? With family?" Spencer asked. Max felt tears brim her eyes but she tried to keep them at bay. Spencer reached out to grab her hand, which she squeezed tightly in return.
"My mom was pregnant a time before Eloise was born. I was eight, and Michelle and Dad were out. Mom wasn't feeling well so she went to lie down; an hour or so later I heard her scream from her bedroom. I ran in the room and saw blood on the bed. She told me to get the phone and call Dad and an ambulance. They took her to the hospital and sure enough she had lost the baby. They sent her home to continue with the process and me and Michelle had to listen to her sobs in the bathroom. It was the most heart wrenching thing I had ever heard.
"Then, before Sammy was born, a similar situation happened to Michelle. She felt some intense pains but didn't call her doctor. Next thing she knew she was in the emergency room being told the baby's heart stopped beating. Her body didn't naturally miscarry so she had to have surgery. I stayed with her while she recovered the next couple days and--"
Max couldn't hold back the tears anymore. A sob broke out of her and Spencer grabbed her and pulled her into his lap.
"I just worry because if that happened to them who's to say that it won't happen to me?" Max cried.
"Shhh don't think like that. Miscarriages aren't genetic. Conditions that can cause them are. There's no telling why some people miscarry; that also doesn't mean it will happen every time. All pregnancies are different, just like the people they create."
Max looked at Spencer, leaning her head against his shoulder. He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "You're twelve weeks now, almost thirteen actually. With each week, the chance of miscarriage diminishes by a lot. Everything will be alright." Spencer whispered.
The rest of the day was slow. Max and Spencer took the time to get some chores done around the house. Max had taken the job at the Smithsonian and was working on programs for diabled people and Spencer had his usual job at the BAU; it was rare that they had days together like this, where they could stay in comfy clothes all day and do things that had to get done. Max insisted that she cleaned up Spencer's mess from breakfast, while he did a load of laundry. He brought up new clean clothes from the dryer, thankful that Max had had time to iron his shirts previously. They folded together in their room, putting clothes away as they went. Spencer then wanted to go watch TV in the living room, saying that he wanted to enjoy their new couch set. It was very comfortable, and it allowed Max to lounge on Spencer better. Spencer had fallen asleep halfway through one of their shows, snoring softly. Max eventually fell asleep as well, drowning out the sounds of the TV.
Max woke up to a slightly darkened room. She could tell a light was on behind her, probably coming from the kitchen. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she glanced at the analog clock on the wall and saw that it was five-thirty. Max then realized Spencer wasn't on the couch with her anymore, but that she had a pillow under her head and a blanket draped over her. She sat up, a savory aroma filling her senses and she could music faintly playing in the kitchen. Max stood up and stretched, then made her way to see what was going on. In the doorway, she could see Spencer putting basil on something in a pan, then he put it in the oven and clicked a button. Max could hear the song that was playing off of the speaker that sat on the island countertop, and recognized it immediately. It was Hearts Like a Knife by Far Lands. It was her and Spencer's song that they had their first dance to. Spencer wiped his hands off on a rag and turned around, finally noticing Max in the doorway. He smiled and walked toward her, meeting her halfway and putting his hands on her waist. Max put her hands on his chest and brought her face close to his. He still had his glasses on, which Max wished he'd wear more often sometimes. "Chicken parmesan will be done in five minutes." Spencer whispered. Max hummed with a smile, then closed the gap between their lips. Sliding their hands together, Spencer's hand on her waist and Max's hand around his shoulders, they danced in the kitchen close together until the timer for the oven went off.