Breaking Down the Wall

Defeated

Phana's POV

As soon as I woke up this morning, I immediately went to Yo's room to invite him to breakfast. When I arrived, Forth was walking out of Yo's room, still in his clothes from last night. What the hell?

"Did you sleep here last night?" I growled out, angry and hurt.

"Forth, I think I'd better talk to P'Pha," Yo said.

"Do you want me to stay?" Forth asked protectively. Who do you think you're protecting? Yo is mine!

"I'll be fine," Yo said. "Go get your shower and change so we can go to breakfast."

Forth nodded and walked down the stairs. I couldn't understand what was happening. Did Yo really accept Forth as his boyfriend? I followed Yo into his room and shut the door behind me.

"Are you two dating?" I asked, trying to keep my anger under control.

"Yes," Yo replied. Is he trying to make me jealous?

"Why?" I asked. Yo was supposed to be mine.

"Why what, P'Pha?" Yo asked, sounding confused.

"Why did you choose Ai'Forth?" I clarified. "You were in love with me. It was supposed to be me."

"But P'Pha," Yo said, "you don't love me."

"Yes, yes I do!" I responded. He didn't know? It's okay, I can win him back. I just have to be honest now. "I do love you, Yo!"

"You don't, P'Pha," Yo said, with a clear voice. "Maybe you aren't sure about your feelings, you might think you love me, but people in love aren't ashamed of their feelings."

I don't know what to say, I just know if I can somehow prove it to him, I can make him mine. He's loved me since high school, he can't just move on. But before I can say anything, Yo is speaking again.

"I cried over you more than I ever smiled. You were ashamed and embarrassed about my feelings for you, so you pushed me aside. Over and over again, you hurt me and I kept living, until I finally realized I was already living without you. I spent time with other people who made me happy, other people who showed me that I was important to them. P'Forth not only let me know that I was important to him, he showed me what it really felt like to love someone. He made me smile, he was never ashamed of me or his feelings for me," Yo finished.

"I just needed time," I tried once more, he couldn't just give up now. "Just give me a chance, I can make you happy. You loved me for so long, don't give up on me."

"I had to give up," Yo said. "Loving you kept hurting me. I tried for so long, holding on to a fantasy. But every time you were unkind to me, or put someone else first, more of the fantasy fell away. Finally I had to admit that I didn't want to keep holding on to a love that made me feel unworthy."

"You are worthy, Yo," I said, reaching for his hands. "I know I hurt you, I just... ."

My words faded away as I tried to explain behavior that didn't even make sense to me. Then I realized exactly why I had hurt Yo. The times I put someone else's needs ahead of Yo's was because my arrogance wouldn't let me admit to others that I wanted him. Every time my pride was more important to me than Yo, because I knew he would wait until I was ready. I had finally decided to man up, but Yo wasn't waiting for me anymore. I hadn't just missed my chance to be happy with him, I had been the one to push him away.

"I'm sorry, P'Pha," Yo said. "I know you'll find someone else. Someone whose love doesn't make you feel ashamed."

"I was never ashamed that you wanted me, Yo. You were always good enough," I said, trying to help him see that I finally had the courage to love him properly.

"I know I'm good enough, I realized the problem wasn't me being undeserving, it was just that I was waiting for the wrong guy," Yo said. I didn't know what to say. There were no excuses that could make what I'd done seem reasonable.

Yo opened his door and waited for me to walk outside. He looked at me sadly for a minute before he said, "I'm really sorry that you're unhappy, P'Pha."

He shut the door, leaving me standing out in the hallway. I walked to my room in a daze, tears gathering in my eyes. I laid down on my bed and let the tears fall. I finally understood. I had lost someone precious because I hadn't been brave enough to hold him.