My Blind Love For The Alpha

seven

 I am ready for the road less traveled. Suiting up for my crowning battle. This test is my own cross to bare. But I will  get there - Who Am I Living For, Katy Perry

••

Sleep didn't come easy, despite Kyle being the one lying next to me. The first night we sleep in the same bed together and I can't even sleep. 

My brain wouldn't be quiet, wouldn't stop thinking about what could possibly be happening outside of the dark bubble I live in.  What if I look weird when I sleep and Kyle laughs at me? What if I have a nightmare and he can't handle it? What if he can't handle me? He hasn't witnessed the full wrath of my baggage, not yet. I haven't refused to get in the car, I haven't woken up screaming from a nightmare where I relive my parents death, he hasn't seen me trip over something and lie on the floor for half an hour because I'm too embarrassed to get up and try again. 

What if he sees all of that and doesn't want to be with me anymore?

"I can basically hear your brain thinking right now. Are you okay?" 

I jump at Kyle's voice but relax a second later. It's just him, it's just Kyle.

Oh yeah, it's just the Alpha Werewolf lying next to you.

"I just can't sleep, I'm not used to sleeping in places I don't know."

"If it's too much I can take you home, Gem. You don't have to stay here." His voice is so sincere, so genuine.

I don't deserve him.

I clear my throat, rolling onto my side so I'm facing his direction. I wonder what his rooms looks like, is it usually messy? Is there an en suite in here? I know we're on the second floor, we climbed the stairs slowly together last night after getting food from the kitchen. "What colour are your walls?"

A moment of hesitation tells me I've caught him off guard. "Uh, three of them are white. The wall behind the bed is a light grey colour." He doesn't ask why I asked.

"I was just trying to picture what your room looked like." I don't say anything more, he doesn't need to know what else is going on in my head. I can't share my burdens with him, then I'll become a burden to him. 

His arm slides over my waist and around my back, pulling me closer to him. "The door is over to the left, it's white, and when you walk into the room you see the bed in the middle of the room. The bed is nothing special, but behind the bed you see a big floor-to-ceiling window that looks out onto the Pack. You can see the houses of my Pack Members, like a little community. The houses are all different, built for small families, large families, couples. I like being able to see it all, to see the family I've built, the family I keep safe." 

I rest my forehead against his chest, feeling his heart beating against my skin. This, him, he is my family now. Not those people that have lied to me my whole life. I lie there, listening to his voice explain the layout of the Pack and the room we're in as I slowly drift to sleep.

••

"Gemma, you know how this works. I need you to actually talk to me so that I can help you."

I roll the ball in my hand, squeezing it every now and then. "What colour is the ball in my hand?" 

Not the words she wanted m e to say I'm sure, but it's still something. "It's the green one."

I roll it around some more, trying to picture the colour green in my mind. "How much do you know about my life? Do you know the secrets my family have been keeping from me?"

It's the easy way to ask whether she's a Werewolf. I don't really know the answer I want. If she is then that makes me slightly more mad at the situation and if she isn't then I can't really talk to my psychologist about how I'm feeling.