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J U S T I N
"I don't understand why we have to fight over such a petty thing," dismayadong sambit ko. "Hindi ko sila pinilit na magpa-picture sa akin. Nakita mo namang sila 'yong lumapit."
We were in line for the movie booth earlier when a couple of freshmen asked to have a photo taken with me. Sino ba naman ako para humindi? Just three photos and that's it. I don't see what's the big deal.
"Masyado kang feeling sikat dito. Puwede ka namang tumanggi kung ayaw mo talaga. Why did you agree to have your photo taken with them, eh hindi mo naman sila kilala?" masungit na sagot niya.
Feeling sikat? Saan nanggaling 'yon? Hindi ko alam kung saan humuhugot ng sama ng loob si Aubrey but I find her reasoning very childish and immature.
"Look, kung sumama ka rito para lang bantayan ako at pagbawalan sa mga ginagawa ko, sana hindi na lang pala kita niyaya," suway ko sa kaniya.
I can tell from the look in her eyes that I've crossed the line. She pursed her lips, grabbed her purse, and left.
I just watched her walk away while shaking my head. Wala akong lakas para maghabol at mag-sorry lalo na kung alam kong wala naman akong ginawang mali.
I looked for an empty bench seat and sat down to calm myself. I know I'm a jerk for even comparing them, but Pat and I never fought over something as shallow as this. She just let me be. Sa lahat ng ginawa ko, nakasuporta siya. Siguro, may mga pagkakataon na nagseselos din siya, pero ni minsan ay hindi kami umabot sa punto na nag-aaway na kami dahil do'n.
It was always us versus the problem. Not us against each other. That was our unspoken principle.
Why can't it be the same with Aubrey?
I shook my head.
Mali 'tong ginagawa ko.
Hindi ako dapat nag-iisip ng ganito.
Mahal ko si Aub, at siya na ang girlfriend ko ngayon. Hindi si Pat.
What is wrong with me?
Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at tinawagan siya pero hindi niya 'yon sinagot. I looked at my watch and it's already 7 p.m. Nagsisimula nang lumalim ang gabi kaya nagsimula na rin akong mag-alala.
After a few minutes of looking around for her, I finally found her outside campus. Nakaupo siyang mag-isa sa bench kung saan ko nakitang nakaupo si Pat noong unang araw ko sa Dawson. May mahinang boses na bumubulong sa utak ko at sinasabing wrong move na nag-transfer ako rito. Matagal na kaming tapos ni Pat at alam kong hindi na dapat siya sumasagi sa isip ko, pero nitong mga nakaraang araw ay parang bigla-bigla ko na lang siyang naiisip lalo pa't lumiit na muli ang mundong ginagalawan naming dalawa.
Pero alam ko na wala rin naman akong choice dahil hindi na kayang suportahan ng nanay ko ang tuition fee ko sa Patterson simula nang natanggal ako sa Varsity Scholarship Program do'n. Mabuti nga at mabilis naasikaso at na-approve ang transfer request ko rito sa Dawson at napasok agad ako sa varsity team nang walang ano mang problema.
Lumapit ako kay Aub at umupo sa tabi niya. Hindi ko mabasa ang mukha niya pero mabuti na lang at hindi siya umiiyak. Hindi rin siya mukhang galit. Sadyang nakatulala lang siya habang nakatingala sa madilim na langit at mukhang malalim ang iniisip.
"I'm sorry," I whispered softly. "I didn't mean what I said earlier. I want you here, Aub." Walang mangyayari kung pareho kaming magpapataasan ng pride. Isa pa, ayaw kong matapos ang gabi na hindi kami nagkakaayos na dalawa.
Her expression didn't change. It's like she didn't even hear me at all.
It took her a while but I just stayed beside her until she eventually let out a sigh and faced me. "Nakita ko siya kanina." Ngiti niya. "Si Pat. Nakita ko," dagdag niya pa.
She didn't acknowledge my apology, and it's becoming clear to me that she wasn't really bothered by those students who asked to take a picture with me. She was bothered by something else. Someone else. And she was just looking for any reason to fight.
Of course, she knows Pat is here. We talked about it even before I worked on my transfer papers. She told me it's cool, but looking at her now . . . I don't think it is. I don't think it ever was.
"Umiiyak siya. Alam mo naman 'yong babaeng 'yon. Kaunting bagay . . . iyak. Makakita lang ng nakatali na aso naiiyak na. Haha," kuwento niya habang nakayuko at nakatingin sa mga sapatos niya. "I miss her so bad. Gusto ko siyang yakapin at sabihan siyang huwag nang umiyak. Dati 'pag umiiyak 'yon, babatukan ko lang tapos sasabihang tigilan niya kakahangulngol tapos tatawa na 'yon." Tawa niya. "Pero alam ko, matagal ko nang tinanggal sa sarili ko 'yong karapatan na gawin 'yon."
Saksi ako kung gaano sila kalapit na dalawa. Right from the start, when I first started courting Pat, Aubrey was already in the picture. At one point, I actually even thought they were sisters. That's how close they were.
Throughout the three years that Pat and I were together, napalapit na rin talaga kami ni Aubrey sa isa't isa. Lagi ko pa nga siyang kasabwat sa tuwing may plano akong surpresa para kay Pat noon.
Hindi ko akalain na ganito ang kahihinatnan ng lahat.
Hindi ako nagsisising minahal ko si Aubrey, pero sobrang nagsisisi ako dahil nasaktan ko si Pat.
Every fucking night, I blame myself for what happened. I always prided myself on being a good person. I treated everyone fairly and kindly. I was never rude, never mean, never taking advantage of anyone.
But this happened.
I cheated on my ex-girlfriend—the woman who did nothing but love and support me for three years. And now I know . . . I am nothing but scum.
"Ayaw kong sayangin kung anong mayroon tayo, Justin," pagpapatuloy ni Aubrey. "Kapag nasira tayo nang tuluyan, sobrang sayang ng lahat," malungkot na bulong niya. "Lahat ng isinuko natin para ipaglaban 'to, mawawalan lang ng saysay. I lost my best friend and you lost your scholarship. Lahat 'yon mababalewala 'pag nawala ka sa akin. That's why I'm like this . . . and that's why I can't lose you."
It's not true that I lost my scholarship because of her. I failed not just one class, but four. Kahit gaano ka pa kagaling sa court, kung hindi mo mabalanse ang grades at skills mo, matatanggal ka talaga sa scholarship.
"Alam mo namang hindi mo kasalanan na natanggal ako sa scholarship, 'di ba?" tanong ko sa kaniya. She looked so sad it breaks me, so I held her hand in mine and pulled her closer. "I promise, I will never let you go, Aub. I will never let this go. Kahit anong mangyari, I will choose you, kaya huwag kang mag-aalala na ipagpapalit kita sa iba. Gano'n na ba kagago ang tingin mo sa akin?" pabiro kong tanong sa kaniya.
She just chuckled but didn't answer.
"Hey, look at me," seryosong sabi ko. I tightened my hold on her hand to make her look back at me. "Maaayos rin natin 'to. Okay?" I consoled. "We will get everything back. We will get Pat back. Sigurado ako."
Marahan siyang humarap sa akin at saka ngumiti.
"Mahal na mahal kita, at araw-araw . . . pipiliin kong mahalin ka," I said, meaning every word.
It's already dark but I can still see her cheeks blush under the moonlight. "I-I love you, too," mahinang sagot niya.
God, she is perfect.
I held her chin and leaned down until our lips met. I heard her moan softly as she reacted to me and gently opened her mouth to kiss me back.
