Butterswap

22

I followed my parents into the top floor lounge and sat in the plush chairs by the far end of the room.

I took a deep breath and blurted out, in the least shocking way that I could.

"I have some stupid heart disease and I'm dying."

And then the most surprising thing happened. My father walked over to me, held my hand, and said, "we'll get through this together."

It wasn't supposed to be surprising, per se, considering that parents were supposed to care and love their children unconditionally and all. However, those words coming from my father was like a miracle.

"Okay." I said softly as a tear fell from my eye.

"Sweetie, but why didn't you just tell us?" Mum asked.

"I didn't know what to say. It sounds stupid, but I didn't want to disappoint anybody with such news." I shrugged.

"Clearly you thought that way, or else why would you travel almost halfway across the world to god knows where." My father chuckled lightly. "So, where exactly have you been?"

"Oh, I went skydiving, cliff jumping in Hawaii and camel riding in Dubai."

Their jaws dropped and I resisted the urge to laugh.

"I stayed over at the abandoned railway too."

"Oh sweetie..." Mum turned to my father and smacked his arm. "I told you cutting her card was a little too drastic."

"I'm sorry." My father sighed and I laughed.

"I'm actually grateful you did that." I recalled Keenan's apartment and how much I enjoyed being there.

"Why?"

"No reason." I smiled, shaking my head.

"Okay, let me get Ralph to prepare dinner while you go and wash up."

I nodded and made my way to my room. I opened the door and inhaled the scent of my all time favorite lavender essential oil. The curtains had been drawn and the soft glow of the streetlights filtered in. I sat by the window and looked out, already missing Keenan's presence around me.

Grabbing one of my nearby stuffed toys, I held it in front of me.

"Bearbear. Why do I feel so empty without Keenan? Why is he able to make me feel whole? Why is it only him who is able to make me feel some spark of life? How is he able to make me feel complete?"

I dropped bearbear as realization dawned on me.

There was no denying it.

I had fallen in love with Keenan.

Thief of my heart.

I walked into my bathroom, still stunned.

The warm water running down my back wasn't enough to calm my beating heart. My mind was clouded with the nagging feeling of the fear of rejection.

I wasn't quite sure why. But I understood what was holding me back when I stepped out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror.

I looked deeply into my eyes, and then I put my hand to the skin above my heart. The erratic beating of it, the inconsistent contracting and relaxing of the muscles in my heart.

I was sick and dying. That's why it was selfish to love Keenan Drew.

I wasn't sure why. Old me would have just gone for it, but perhaps this was love. Putting someone else's happiness before your own.

I smiled sadly to my myself in the mirror.

It's okay. I'll continue loving him silently.