Butterswap

27

People say that you will know when your body gives out. People say that you will know the exact moment when you die.

What people don't know is that, there really is no telling the exact moment your soul leaves your body, or when your heart just stops beating. This is just how mysterious dying is.

Mysterious is the exact adjective I will use to describe how I fell in love with Keenan Drew. Not at all, and then all at once.

Dying isn't a grand scheme. But at least it is not boring.

There is an explosion of color behind my eyelids, redorangeyellowgreenblue. There is no telling the color that swirls in an intoxicating mix before me. I remember Keenan Drew's artistic talent and I want nothing more than to capture this moment and take it with me into forever, so that I can show this to him when I finally see him again.

There are symphonies living in my ears, vibrating through every nerve ending in my body. Every goddamned cell. I think about my mother. I think of how much she enjoys the power of music. I wish she can hear this. I wish she does not cry from the video recording I made for her when I first returned home, but rather, celebrate the memories we had together. I wish everything and more for her.

The scent of dandelions, sunflowers and lavender fill my nose. It gives me a high. It is paradise. I think of my dad, and how much he tried in the last few days he had spent with me. Now, it becomes so clear that all his life, he just wants what is the best for me. He had been so caught up in his pursuit of 'best' for me, that he had forgotten how to love me. But that's alright. I forgive him, because it frees me just as it does him. I wish happiness for my dad, because I need him to be happy for mum and for himself.

I think of everything my family and I have done together in my last days and I know that they will be okay. I just know. Everything will be okay.

People will heal. Yes, it will take time, but eventually, people heal.

I'm enjoying the colors, the music, the smell and then nothing at all.

I wait, I wait, I wait.

And then nothing at all.