Ripples

Useless I

Mentions of feeling numb, death, emotional suppression, insomnia, beginnings of an anxiety attack, and suffocation
~~~•~~~

This time, Athanasia did not cry. No, she did not even feel. Her mind was stuck beneath the bitter sea, hypnotized by the bubbles ascending from her lips even as she descended further into the abyss.

Weak infantile arms hovered gently over her throat, grasping the smooth skin as she took a breath. How odd that she could so easily breathe then, when all of her past deaths have dealt with the loss of breath. Still, she didn't know what to do anymore, not when imitating Jennet was such a mess.

"A more painful mess."

However when a few maids entered her chamber, complaining about taking care of someone so useless and abhorred, the numb princess felt a surge of warmth. For the first time since numerous lifetimes, Athanasia smiled genuinely and gained the affections of those three complaining maids. Those three were the ones that she died with.

"Yes," Athanasia thought, "dying with the protection of so many people is better than dying alone."

"I don't want to be alone anymore."

With that, she grew again, painting a smile on her face. She smiled and smiled until it hurt, lying to everyone and herself that nothing hurt. But everything did, and none of them

Mattered.

~~~{•}~~~

"Athy's going to pick flowers now!" The maids cooed after Athanasia, watching as the adorable little princess ran to the fields. Even after she had already vanished into the bushes, they simply smiled at one another, besotted with their precious treasure. Yes, she had certainly grown well.

Little did they know that their beloved child was dying inside. What they thought was a wonderful stroll through the field of flowers was actually a desperate need to breathe and cry. And when Athanasia would be tucked in and sung a lullaby, they never realized that she simply pretended to close her eyes. They never realized that she was too afraid of the nightmares, the memories that haunted her mind.

She may have been despondent and lonely in her first life, but she was lonelier and more traumatized every time that she opened her eyes.

And now, that same princess tripped with an armful of flowers, falling to the ground and losing her breath. For a moment, the ocean clouded her mind again, and she struggled for another breath until she looked up to the sky. When she could finally breathe again and stood back up, she turned her face down to look at the flowers.

The once gorgeous and vibrant petals were now ugly, crushed beneath her weight. And yet, Athanasia couldn't feel an ounce of remorse. Perhaps, she had already begun to resemble the father that she once adored, but she just couldn't understand emotions anymore. Not after putting masks after masks over those same emotions.

"What is this filthy bug doing in my palace?" When that voice spoke behind the numb princess, her eyes widened and she realized then- yes, she could still very well feel emotions.