Fortitude

16-Flaws

Anayekuja pasina hodi, huondoka pasina kuaga
(He who comes without asking to enter, will leave without saying goodbye)

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Raziya

I wore black from head to toe that morning. I needed people to see how I looked like on the inside. Scorched. I knew that I did a bunch of stupid things but this one deserved a trophy and a magazine cover.

THE RISE AND MOSTLY FALL OF RAZIYA'S LIFE. That would be the title of the reality show I  felt like I was on.

I had a lot of errands to run. I woke up wanting to do nothing else but cover myself in my bed and shut everything and everyone out. So many people had warned me about the eventuality of this and I totally ignored them. Why? Because I believed that if I kept bending over backwards to act comfortable with his life, he'll like me and we could work out a compromise then he'd eventually see that Jesus is the only true way to life and well, live happily ever after.

Fairytales exist for a reason. To make little girls dream of a prince charming who'd kiss a spell away when some evil queen sedated you with a bad apple. A charming prince who'd fight a dragon and wake you up from a spindle induced coma with a kiss. A charming prince will see through your scrubs and fit a glass slipper into your foot. A charming prince will be the outcome of the transformation of a beast. But that's just all that they are. Fairytales.

Prince audi charming.

Lily's voice started ringing in my ears. What good does it do if he's just going to do the same thing. Jabari started off flirtatious and here we are. Taji's doing the same, with some level of dignity though. But it still is what it is. This is exactly why I've never had a boyfriend.

I'd always been at the top of my class and if I flunked, I'd come either second or third. My mind was always on some novel or some scientific documentary. I barely ever caught up with jokes. I got saved at a young age and was the 'holy one' my entire childhood. I never knew what the latest tracks were. I was always one step behind fashion wise. I have always been clumsy. I always looked like a child because I was always the shortest.

I barely had time to entertain that kind of attention with all that going on in my head. It was always on overdrive. Thinking yet I never really know what I'm thinking about. Any thought of being vulnerable with a guy made me cringe. I loved taking charge. Keeping everything in the right place. I'd gotten so accustomed to perfecting everything in my life that with every imperfection, I felt as if my world was crumbling. Then there comes this imperfection. I thought I had it all mapped out. He had a life too and I couldn't see that. All along I was too busy trying to fix mine, my own way.

Lily called in the morning but I was too exhausted to listen to someone who's always happy. She's younger than me, drives a subaru and lives in a really spacious apartment with her brother. Nothing ever seemed to bug her.

Her life might have been perfect since birth.
It always is for people with her personality.
No one can find her weird.
She also looks like a model for crying out loud.

Then there was a text from Taji. The 25 year old guy with a freakishly expensive car.

His parents probably bought it for him.
He's always composed and nearly as happy as Lily all the time.
I should stop surrounding myself with people who were born with a silver spoon in their mouths.