Fortitude

27-Frustrated

Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship.

Romans 12:1 AMP

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Taji

I needed a minute. Normal people would need a minute to collect themselves after such an incident. I, however, felt like my head was about to explode. My ears were ringing as I felt as if steam was forcing it's way out.

No, no, no.
Not this again.
Please God no.

I bent over the sink to splash some water on my face to try and cool myself down. The sound of someone flushing startled me. I snapped my head back towards whoever it was.

Mark?
What's he doing here?

"Taji... are you okay?" He asked as he walked towards the sink. He seemed a bit shaky but I was sure it was all because of the dark stare I was shooting his way. He dried his hands and walked up to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and I just snapped.

I pushed his hand away and shoved him, hard. Next thing I knew, Mark was on the ground. The look in his eyes, something one can't quite forget. He seemed like he wanted to push back, but he clearly understood what was going on. I turned around and dug my hands into my hair as I tried to control my breathing.

I messed up.
What was I thinking.
I always find a way to mess everything up.
Oh God why did I throw away my meds.
What will I tell her that was?
She'll leave.
Everyone does.
Everyone does.
Everyone does.

"Taji... I know you want to be alone right now. But what are you talking about?" Mark asked cautiously.

Did I say all that out loud?

"P... please... keep... k... keep... Raziya... occupied. She's... sh... she's on the b... balcony. Please. She can't see me like th... like this. Please. Please," I struggled to say.

"Okay, you'll be fine bro. Just breathe okay?" And with that, he left.

I looked into the mirror and everything was blurry. It was a mixture of the usual adrenaline rush plus a mountain of regret hanging from my neck. My head felt heavy as my brain couldn't process what exactly I wanted to focus on. My breathing was heavy as I frantically searched for something to punch. There was nothing at all.

Get a hold of yourself.
You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.

I tried saying it over and over till my mind complied, but it just didn't work. I leaned on the wall and slid to the ground. I let my hair go as I dug deeper into it, shaking as I tried my best to calm down. I felt like a maniac. Overreacting  to something I could have just handled with a simple conversation. My mind was drifting to it's dark place and I didn't want to end up there. Suddenly, in the midst of all this madness, the still small voice I kept hearing was there.

Be still and know that I am God.
(Psalms 46:10)

My breathing slowed down as I felt my mind clear up. My body stopped shaking and a certain sense of calmness filled the atmosphere. I felt alive again. I looked up and smiled as my breathing got back to it's normal state.