Fortitude

20-Fikira

Fikira is a Swahili word that means thoughts.

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Raziya

After sending the text, I threw my phone to the seat in my room. I was already worked up on my way there. Then he just had the audacity to yell at me for a reason known best to him. All the men in my life had gotten a bit too complicated this past week. Well that's what I got for going on a date with a client.

Others are difficult to reason with?
What did I ever do to him.
Men are weird jeez!

This is just among the reasons why I loved my solitude. No loud friends, no moody men, no heartbreakes, just me, myself and I.

I woke up and went straight to sit in my little seat. I wrote down all that I had to do the coming week i my hot pink journal. I then picked up the phone I tossed there the previous night and saw a text from Lily. I realised that I completely dropped my morning Bible routine. It's like I just didn't feel like anything was working for me anymore, not even God. I wanted to think about it further but I just shrugged my shoulders and opened her text.

I'll be at your place at 2.

It always mesmerized me how spontaneous she always was. No warnings, no nothing, just a quick heads up. I texted back an okay though I wasn't really in the mood for her all time high vibe.

At around 2:30 she was waltzing into our house, charming her way past my mother who really seemed to adore her. She gave me her signature tight hugs then plopped her tall self onto our couch picking up the remote and flipping through channels like she was my sister or something. I sat next to her and waited till she landed on something she liked. She eventually stopped on a reality show.

"Oh my I love this show!" I squealed as I got up to get her something to eat.

"Where are you going then?" She asked, her eyes still fixed on the TV.

"To fix you up something to eat,"

"Please, unless you cook like Taji, I think I'm good," she joked.

Why are we talking about him?

I sighed then rolled my eyes still determined to feed the girl. "Mufasa! I came with ice cream, come and sit!" She shouted from the living room. I rushed back and peeked through the doorway and asked,"Strawberry?"

"What else?" She said looking back at me with a grin.

Strawberry.
He's just a client and that's that.

I resumed my position on the couch as she pulled out a tub of ice cream from a restaurant bag that I hadn't noticed she'd ferried. We spent the next hour laughing and overreacting at every hilarious and dramatic scene respectively. For once, I liked not being alone when I wanted to be alone.

"So have you talked to Taji since yesterday?" She asked as she wiped away tears from how hard she'd been laughing as the show ended. Everything was going so well but no, she just had to mention him.

"No. Was I supposed to talk to him?"

"Uhm yeah, I thought you guys were a thing," she continued wiggling her eyebrows at me.

"Blue bird. One date. That's it."

"So you do agree that it was a date. When's the second?" She asked with a wide toothy grin.

"What? I think you're high on something girl. Need I remind you that he kicked me out yesterday?"

"Technically you are the one who stormed out on him," she said pulling out the technically.

"He was yelling at me!" I shot back getting a bit agitated.

"So were you!" She shot back with a chuckle.

"Who's side are you on anyway?"

"I'm like the referee here, not picking sides. But if you ask me, it's about time you snapped out of this ugly mood you've been carrying all over."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Ever since your little incident with your supposed best friend, you've been in a sore mood. Not that I don't understand. Trust me, you don't even know half of how much I actually do understand," she stopped and looked at her ring. She sighed then continued," Feelings are fickle, everyone says that. But good solid relationships go beyond that little feelingsy phase. You have a really fun friend, crush, admirer, whatever you'd like to call him. Like if you actually took time and got to know him better you'd understand what I'm saying. I'm not saying that you should buy a ring and propose to him, just open your eyes. I know it's weird but if you forget everything I've said in this little speech of mine, remember this. Take your time and actually learn who Taji is. You'll thank me later."

"Blue bird, I appreciate your opinions on this, but he's just a client."

"And you're just being a child,"

"Child ?"

"Yeah, you can't possibly tell me that you're now sworn enemies just because of one heated debate that clearly had nothing at all to do with Jacob's dear son by the way. Talk to him. Communication is like the backbone of every relationship."

"Lily, I just want to stay at a professional distance from him. That's it. You're the one who sounds like a child,"

"You are aware that ya'll weren't even talking about the same thing right?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"That's for you to figure out my sweet little Raz," she said rubbing my head then picked up the remote again to look for something else to watch. My mind was taken back to what Taji was sreaming about the previous night.

Well others don't even have people that care about them.
What was that all about?
But I'm quite sure that he has everything that he's ever wanted in life.
He was just mindlessly babbling, right?
And why again am I still thinking about him?
Oh my goodness do I have to see him tomorrow?
Why didn't I just ignore the first friendly texts he sent?

"You're thinking about him aren't you," Lily asked as she smirked at me. I changed the subject by asking her about Mark. Her smugness diffused into a blushing face. She didn't hesitate narrating to me the story of how she almost knocked his bumper on her way into the gate at Taji's. When they parked, she got out to apologise to him and he was nice enough to brush it off considering nothing really happened to his car. She then went on explaining how weird it was when they realized that they were walking towards the same direction. She didn't really know where exactly she was going so she took out her phone to call Taji. Mark saw his name on her phone before she called. And that's when they figured out that they were going to the same place.

The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent with her trying to convince me to hold the next Bible study. She was doing so because if I were the host, I wouldn't miss it. I had made it clear to her that that was the first and last, yet there I was, ensnared by her charm, agreeing to host the next one.

When she left, I went back up to my room to check if I'd received any texts or calls. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was checking to see if Taji replied my emotion driven text. So I convinced myself that I was glad that he still hadn't. But there was a slight pang in my chest.