Jaded Between Shades

Shade Of Shame

                                                                               7 years ago

After coming out of the hospital, I didn't speak a word to anyone. I went to work, but wouldn't speak on the phones. My job tried to talk to me because they care...no scratch that it's because I am a good worker, but they don't need me.  They instead put me on leave until I would speak again.  Andre kept trying to talk to me, but the words. They wouldn't escape my mouth. After awhile I just stopped doing much of anything. I didn't speak, and I didn't eat. I just mostly slept. I don't even remember what happened really. I just remember opening my eyes and seeing Andre and Jasmine crying over me as someone carried me out of the room. A month I thought, but really it was 5 months. 

I was hospitalized again and this time put into involuntary care. I was put in a room and only checked on to make sure I ate. 

                                                                           6 years ago

After not speaking for all of 7 months and 2 months in involuntary care, I was finally announced recovered. However I didn't feel recovered at all. The words words I spoke to the on call therapist was 

"Do I still have a job?"

I realized that my rent wasn't getting paid, but somehow I hadn't been evicted. Which confused me. She called my job and asked if they would let me keep the position. They agreed, but I would have to apply again. There was some paperwork that was heavily involved and then about a week or so later.

"Okay dear, you are going to be released to go home, but I want you to stay in contact and I want to continue a session once biweekly."

"Okay. I can do that." I managed to say. 

When I looked at the paper work they gave me I saw notes from the therapist. I don't think they were suppose to actually be there in the packet they gave me, but somehow got mixed up. 

"Jade Jackson, age 23 has gone perversely  mute due to recent rape case. License states she is 165lbs at 5'5" but has lost 55lbs due to not eating during this time. Doesn't appear to have any pre-conditioned disorders."

Then there was a picture of my license and then a picture of what I looked like coming in the hospital.

"Holy Fucking Shit!" I said out loud as I was standing in my apartment. 

Then I get a call from Andre.

"Hello?"

"Jade...JADE YOU SPOKE! Oh thank god. I was just gonna leave a voicemail I got a call from the hospital saying that they sent you home, I wanted to pick you up, but I didn't know when and if you'd want me to." He started going a thousand miles a minute. 

"Andre, I'm okay. I'm at home."

"Oh please say those words again"

"I'm okay and I'm at home."

"Can I come over, I won't bring Jasmine I promise."

"No no, it's okay. I need to face this. We need to face this. Btw can you tell me about how my rent was still being paid. I just talked to my landlord and he said I never missed a payment."

"Yea..about that.. Look I'll explain when I get there I just really need to see you."

Sure enough about 20 minutes later he knocks lightly then comes in. 

"Jade.."

"Hey Andre."

"Can I hug you?"

I nod and he meets me in a hug. I somewhat feel ashamed by it all. I mean this is the same man that broke my heart twice and then became friends again only to have me get sexually abused by the woman he chose me over, and then raped by an acquaintance he plays basket ball with. He hugs me for a long time, only for me to look up and see that he's crying.