My secrets will be kept. - Fnaf x Itsfunneh crossover -

ch.4 Failure

Funneh's POV

I'm just itching to have that knife in hand again... We were back on the road now, and in fact, almost home.

The car skidded to a halt in Gold's parking space.

I opened my own car door, Gold did the same. I grabbed Draco's and Rainbows stuff, of course, none of us carried much on hand. Only one suitcase for each. I was about to grab Lunar's.

"Don't worry Funneh, I can get it myself!" Her voice soft, yet fragile... Oh so fragile... I remember watching her body go limp so many years ago. Her soul not entirely broken but the slightest of touch could break it the rest of the way. Heh, we all have our respective disorders...

Me? Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD.

Gold? Anorexia and Anxiety.

Draco? PTSD and Anxiety.

Rainbow? PTSD.

Lunar? Depression and Anxiety.

Well what can I say? Life is great! I can't die... But luckily I can still feel pain~... My vision clouded with the thought of cutting again, a sadistic yet pleasuring thought.

Should I cut? No I shouldn't, it's terrible for me. And I'm not just joking around here, but I've become addicted to it, like smoking. It's the only sense if relief, it's the only escape. So no, I shouldn't cut, but I can't stop.

Should I keep putting on a fake face every day? No, I want someone to see that I'm not doing great, that I'm not as cheerful or bright or innocent as I say myself to be. But they can't know the truth... After all, I vowed to keep my secrets hidden underneath everything, every lie, every single word. I didn't want to get attached, but look at me, I'm attached to the people here... I'm attached to them, I've tethered myself down on unstable ground. And there's no doubt, the ground is gonna start crumbling, and my world as I know it here, will fall to nothing but the ashes and dust of the lies it's made of...

I handed Lunar her suitcase as I pulled away from my thoughts. Although, I was still locked in a labyrinth with my thoughts, going in endless circles fighting a battle I can't win...

Gold unlocked the door for us. I walked in setting the suitcases on the floor. And without saying a word, I left upstairs to my room, where I would find by beloved razor blade~

Without surprise, and to my displeasure, Draco followed, a worried look strewn at his features.

"You alright?" He managed to ask. My thoughts were still running wild, I needed the knife, I needed something to ground me back to reality. I've gone to far, I can't stop now. I can't stop now...

"Yeah just going to take a shower, my hair smells like pizza!" I replied to him as I have him a bright playful smile. I would've expected him to know better, to know I'm not okay. But I've gotten a lot better at lying, it's not just an I'm fine anymore. It's the perfect fake face, and no one throughout my life has seen through this act, through my act... But it's bound to break at some point, like a promise. Like a swear, it will break, and my flood of secrets will come flowing out, and with my secrets out, with the truth out, I'll be so vulnerable, I'll be so easy to break. We can't let that happen anytime soon because if it comes to that point, I'll power down... For good...

He swallowed as if gulping down a reply, which he probably was. He ran back down the stairs. I breathed a sigh of relief, I don't know why I have to hide the truth from him, I could talk to him, let everything out, like he has so many times, like I have so many times. He's the closest to me and I'm the closest to him, it's been that way since way before our murder... I remember stories Rainbow told me at nights while our parents were brutally fighting, to try and calm my crying, short silly stories.

Flashback:

It was scary tonight... Mama was yelling extremely loud at Papa, it was scary, the hatred laced in her words... Rainbow's told me that I can read people really well, and that I can sense things other people just can't... But I don't believe her, I'm not special, I'm not important, I'm worthless, I'm useless, I'm a mistake in this family... Or so says Mama and Papa, but that's alright, it's how normal parents treat their kids, it's normal...!!

"Why are you defending that stupid mistake of a child!!! You hate her too!" I knew mama was talking about me, I've always been a mistake to her, I always will be the mistake... At least she hadn't started abusing me like in all of the sad stories and Fairy tales I read...

"H-hey Funneh, don't listen to them... Do you want to hear another funny story about you and Draco when you were younger?" It was Rainbow, trying to cheer me up, she never failed to impress me with another vivid fairy tale or a silly short story from the past. I eagerly nodded to her, a smile flashing across my once blank, expressionless face. She breathed a sigh of relief, I don't know why though...

"Yes Please big Sissy!" I replied with confidence and politeness, mama gave me a spanking for not being polite to her, but it was harder then the spankings normal kids get, or at least that's what Rainbow says... I've always referred to her by her middle name, she liked it better and I didn't want her to hate me too... Even though she's said she could never hate me, give her a reason too and she will...

"Well, when you were really little, just after Draco was born, when you were two. Mama started yelling at me about something, I can't exactly remember, but you grabbed Draco's hand, he ended up latching onto you. Every time I tried to get you guys to let go of each other's hands since then you refused, you don't do it now of course, but you guys just had this sort of connection. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen!" I laid down in her lap, her hand stroking my hair, urging me to sleep, as she told the silly story...

"If I was two, then that was two years ago, I'm 4!" I said to big Sissy, holding up two fingers when I said two, I don't know how many fingers four is so I just doubled the two fingers I was already holding up. Rainbow nodded, a sad smile making it's way into her soft brown eyes.

"Yes Katherine, you're 4... And you're a good girl, and a great child.... Never forget that... I will always love you, no matter what mama and papa say. You are a good girl and an amazing child..." I smiled brightly at her, in her vision it was a wide toothy grin. She's always said I don't deserve ant of what happens in this family, but I think otherwise... But just like I promised, I won't ever leave her, I don't know what that means but I think it means that I won't ever choose mama and papa over her... I wouldn't any way! She's my big Sissy.

A quiet whimper escaped tiny two year old Draco, as he cried from the onslaught of yelling. I ran to him and cradled him in my arms, if I was a good girl, then he was a good boy... If I didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve it even more! I smiled as his eyes filled with happiness as I held him, he latched onto my light blue shirt, now unaware of the light screams and echoing yells of our parents fighting. He giggled when stuck my tongue out at him, it was a silly gesture but an important one. Just seeing his smile filled me with a strange kind of hope, a strange kind of sensation. I would protect this little one if it's the last thing I do.

Flashback end:

My eyes came back to reality, my vision unclouded but dancing with black dots. Well wasn't that the perfect time to have a flashback! I sighed realising every little flaw 4 year old me made that year. I had screwed everyone over, not even realising it. I hurt everyone...

I sure failed that one, didn't I? Even though I vowed to protect him I failed. I failed so hard. I had to watch him die did damnit!

I failed everything!! Everything... I failed at being a good girl for Rainbow, I failed at being a smart girl for Gold, I failed at being there for Lunar, and I failed at protecting Draco... I failed being a kid, how are you supposed to fail that?

I'm just a failure...

__
God damnit Funneh! No, you are not a failure, no, you didn't Fail at everything- you- you were just doing the best you could, it's not and never will be your fault, you aren't a failure, no matter how you see yourself. And you aren't faking everything, you aren't, your happiness, even though it seems fake because you've been faking it for so long, your happiness is real. I promise. Hope you enjoyed!

~Silver, Out!

Word count: 1576