Sam and Colby: The Penitentiary

69

I tried my best to block out the sound of Sam's shaky, uneven breaths as he tried to fall asleep. He was crying. I was too, but silently. Corey was restless, continually tossing and turning throughout the night resulting in the sound of leaves crunching under him. Jake was obviously dreaming about what happened and occasionally mumbled things like 'brother', 'no,' and 'get up'.

I laid on my back staring up at the leaves sheltering us from a clear view from above. Usually nature at night was something I found to be peaceful, almost relaxing in a way. But not when I knew that Colby couldn't be looking up at the same sky I was.

Sam was right that others might die if we tried this again. But I was willing to do this as many times as it took for Colby to be okay. I knew I was being selfish with these thoughts. But Colby was my person. He was my love. He was my life. And I wasn't going to throw away a chance to see him alive again.

I waited until Corey's tossing and turning stopped, waited until Sam's breaths became even with sleep, waited until Jake's frequent mumbles turned into occasional snores. And then I sat up.

I'd never killed anyone before. Never. And I never thought I'd want to. But looking over at Ray and seeing him peacefully asleep knowing the only thing he was feeling was freedom and relief? I'd never wanted to kill someone more. I wasn't going to sit here and suffer with my friends while he gloated, wasn't going to cry more tears when there was something I could do to bring back what left. I couldn't.

I slowly got up onto my feet and carefully stepped over to Ray. It was dark out but enough moonlight shone through the gaps in the trees for me to see his face.

The face of a man that didn't deserve to live.

I put my feet on either sides of his shoulders and stared down at him. I wasn't sure that I wanted to do this. But I knew that killing Ray would mean getting to see Colby again. And I'd do anything to see Colby again.

I slowly crouched down over Ray, stopping right before my body touched him. I took a deep breath, wiped the hot tears from my eyes, and wrapped my hands around Ray's throat. I used my thumbs to push down as hard as I could on his esophagus and squeezed. Before he opened his eyes, I used the weight of my knees to pin down his shoulders.

He tried to flail his arms and legs, but I'd managed to squeeze hard enough to block any sounds from coming out. Short chokes and gags escaped his mouth, but nothing more. I held on as tight as I could until Ray's eyes fluttered shut. I knew I wasn't done yet, though. He'd just passed out. Now I had to continue choking an unconscious human being.

You'd think I'd feel guilt. Or regret. But all I felt was empowerment. All I felt was strength. My fingertips detected his heart rate steadily weakening until it stopped completely.

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"Ey! Fresh meat! Uppity!" I heard Waco yell once more.

"Uppi—," I heard Sam start from above me.

He swung his legs over the side of the top bunk and jumped onto the ground, then turned to see me sitting up in bed with a smile on my face.

"Good morning, Sam," I said sweetly.

"Good mor—Nessa! Did you... did you kill Ray?" he asked, whispering the last part.

"Sure did," I replied shortly.

"Wh—but—how—,"

"Stop worrying. We've done it twice, we can do it again. With Colby," I responded.

"Vanessa! What the fuck! Why didn't you at least talk to us about this first! You can't just kill someone in the middle of the night!" he exclaimed.

"Except I can. And I did," I said. Sam looked at me with sort of a shocked look.

"You... you murdered someone, Vanessa," said Sam.

"Yeah, I know," I shrugged.

"Then why are you so chill right now?" he asked.

"I don't know. He deserved it. Plus you know he's fine. He's back downstairs under us with Corey," I replied.

"Still, though," Sam said. I stared up at his worried eyes.

"Hold on, are you... are you scared of me?" I asked.

"I... I mean, I'm not scared scared. But I didn't think you'd have it in you to just... kill someone," said Sam.

"Dude, stop saying that. He's not dead. He's fine," I said.

"Are you not freaking out about this? How do you not feel awful about it?" he asked.

"Because, for the third time, he's fine. Now let it go," I said.

"Morning count! Out here! Now!" I heard Jinx's voice echo up the stairs.

"Van—,"

"I said let it go, Sam. It's time for morning count," I said. I hopped up off the bed and made my way out of the now open cell door, lining up with everyone else. I smiled to myself, more than ready to hear Waco call out Colby's name.

"Webber," Waco said.

"Scherer," he continued. What?

"Lafayette," he said, moving past the first cell.

"Why the fuck is Corey up here this time?" I whispered. "And where the hell is Colby?"

"Maybe... maybe when we die here, we really... we really die," Sam whispered weakly.

"Golbach, Atkins," Waco said as he moved down the line.

The yell for breakfast followed the morning count being cleared and I basically sprinted down the stairs to try and find Colby in the sea of grey-uniformed inmates. But I didn't see him.

"Bro, do you see Colby?" Jake asked as he joined me with Sam and Corey in the line for breakfast.

"I didn't," said Corey.

"Me neither," said Sam.

No, no, no. This was not happening. He had to be here. He had to. Guilt from killing Ray suddenly started to set in. I'd just ruined a perfectly good chance to escape with Sam, Jake, and Corey alive. What if that had been our best shot? If killing Ray hadn't brought back Colby, then nothing would.

I felt emptier than ever. Colby wasn't here. I killed a man. I potentially endangered everyone else's lives more than I needed to. I wasted an opportunity to get back to our time. I didn't regret anything, though. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn't at least tried to see Colby again. I just wished the attempt had been successful.