regret [giyushino fanfic]

understanding

I was wandering around the butterfly mansion thinking about what had happened when i bumped into Shinazugawa.

"Watch where you're going shitface" he grumbled.

what was he doing here in the first place?

he was about to walk away but I grabbed his arm, he frowned deeply at me.

"You got a problem? Don't touch me." he snapped at me.

I held up my hands. I knew that if I was going to ask him for help he'd just walk away. "You had something with Kanae Kochou right?" so i just started talking.

"That's none of your business fuckwad." he answered, the raw expression on his face changed a bit. even though he was still keeping it together.

my guess was that he was visiting her grave, it was 5 years ago, that day.

"I wanted to ask you, how did you know that you loved her?" I figured that, Sanemi and me are quite the same. and since Kanae and Shinobu are sisters i thought that it would be a good idea to ask him about it.

"You fell for Butterfly or something?" he said quite disturbed

that's something I don't even know myself.. "N-no I just wonder how it feels to be in love.." so I answered that.

"It feels like you're on the planet only for that person, like your purpose is to protect them and make sure nothing happens. you get up for them, are excited to see them, miss them even if you saw them 2 seconds ago and would do anything in this world for them. that's what love it, now leave me alone." after that he just walked away.

it surprised me that he even explained it all to me. only his answer made it all clear for me. I did love Shinobu, I would do anything in this world for her. even die, Sanemi must've felt miserable after Kanae died. Like he explained he felt like his purpose was to protect her, and he failed.

Now that I'm thinking about it I do remember him leaving the corps, Gyomei was able to get him back but, that was only pure luck.

When Shinobu died i felt horrible, even retired so yeah i guess that our situations are quite similar. If something would happen to her right now though, I would probably break the promise I made with Sabito and give up. 

Does this mean, I fell in love with her during these three months? I did get to know her more than ever and spent day and night with her, it's reasonable.

I smiled to myself as I walked back to the secret room.

i finally excepted it.

I'm in love with Shinobu Kochou.