The Pain Behind The Smile

Chapter 32

"Ma'am, you asked for this file?" Minal said when she walked in to my office.

"Yes Minal. Leave it on my desk please." I said while  working on my laptop. She left the file on my desk and went back to her place. I grabbed the file and started studying it.

It's been 2 weeks to our marriage. Till the time we're here, I and samyak decided to join our offices. Because when we will leave for our honeymoon after that we will directly go back to Japan. And we are leaving for our 15 days honeymoon a day after tomorrow. Khushboo and I had a pact that we will plan the honeymoon trip for each other. I sent them to Bali as per its her dream destination for honeymoon and she had decided Maldives for me. I and samyak decided to not have sex just yet because as much as we both wanted it

And she is coming tomorrow to complete a ritual that we had built. Taking your best friend's husband to the lingerie shopping. When I took pankaj with me, he was hella annoyed by me and was awkward too. But I being myself didn't shy away and we did had a lot of fun while shopping. But he was feeling tormented for a certain moment. I and khushboo laughed our asses off and now she is going to do the same with samyak. He is already afraid. Lol.

I scanned the file and filled the sections that needed to be filled. I took my phone to check the date. It showed 14 of July.

Shit.

No, shit.

How could I?  Fuck.

How the fuck I lost the track of dates. Oh my God. Suddenly my eyes were filled with tears. I started to have hard time in breathing. I felt my heart turn in pain.

God. I am the worst person. I was so lost in my happiness that I forgot the date, today is.

I stand up from my chair and looked out of the window of my office to calm myself down. But it was like I am having a flashback of 13 years ago. And just like always I knew by seeing the black clouds in the sky that it will rain like every year. I was feeling claustrophobic. I needed to get out of the office. So I grabbed my car keys and mobile and put on my shades so no one can have a slight hint that I was crying. I told Minal that I am taking the day off. I drive for 20 minutes till I reach the place which always helps me to get my shit together. It's a garden which happens to be empty most of the time. I left my phone in the car because right now I need to be alone.

I sat on the bench and started deep breathing but nothing seemed to help me and I broke down on tears. How pathetic this is right. Every time I say I will not cry, I end up crying harder. I say I have healed, that I have forgiven the people who caused this pain but why I feel so much pain every time.

Today is the day when my mom died. When she committed suicide. The day, when my life changed. The day I can never forget. That incident has been engraved itself in my memory that I know even if I lost my memory that day will haunt me forever. I was a kid of 7 years when she did that. And this particular incident lead me to know the harsh and the most cruel truth of my life. Mumma's death revealed how much of a jerk my father is. But the worst he did was that he cheated on her for God knows how long which lead her to take that action.

I was in 8th standard when I got to know about it. I hide this from my brother because I don't want him to go through the pain that I went because he does not deserve any of it and he adored daddy, he looked at him as a hero. How can I break him when I know he will be shattered by pain and how can I be the cause of that pain. I already hate myself for letting my mother do what she did. I know I could have stopped her. I might have been young but I felt something is off when my mom put my clothes out of the room when I went to take shower. The kart time I talked to her was just before I went to take shower. I was the last person whom she talked. She told me to eat the breakfast that she gad made and take care of myself. That was also not usual. I could have done something. I could have stopped her but I was way to foolish for putting 2 and 2 together.