Hermitcraft Oneshots

Grian decides to make candy

As always, video is not mine. Its also really bad quality. YAYYYYYYY

And I took liberties once more.

(Scene Opens: Doc and Captain Angry-Eyes land at the edge of the hippie encampment. Renbob is relaxing in a lawn chair but sits up when Doc approaches) 

Doc: Hello?

Ren: Hi Doc! How's it going man?

Doc: Mr. Renbob?

Ren: Uh- Yeah? 

Doc: You are the one who started the hippie camp?

Ren: I am, yes. You know this already man. 

Doc: And were you the one who had the idea to give chocolate boxes to all the hermits last week?

Ren: Nah man. That was my good friend Grian.

Doc: Well that makes a lot of sense. Do you know where he is? We need to speak with him.

Ren: I think he's in his van. (yells) Oi, GRIAN! THERE'S MORE AREA 77 OFFICERS HERE TO SEE YOU!

Grian: (Falls out the window of his van) Ok! 

(walks over) Alright, What do you think I did this time?

Doc: Captain Angry-Eyes and I are from the hygiene squad, and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of candies called, "Totally not a prank"

Grian: Oh, yeah. About that. (Looks around guiltily) 

Doc: I'll start at the beginning. First there is the Pumpkin Pie filling one. Now this tastes extremely nasty. (pause) But we can't really prosecute you for that.

Grian: Agreed.

Doc: Then we have this one. Crunchy Cod.

Grian: Yep.

Doc: Am I correct in thinking that there's a real fish in here?

Grian: Yes, a little one.

Doc: What kind of cod?

Grian: A dead cod.

Doc: Is it cooked?

Grian: No.

Doc: What, a RAW fish?!?

Grian: Oh, I used only the finest cod, cleansed in the finest quality ocean water, lightly killed, and sealed in a delicious, quintuple-smooth, milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with powdered sugar. 

Doc: That may be, but it's still a dead fish!

Grian: I might have run out of time. MOVING ON! What else?

Doc: Did you even take the bones out?

Grian: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Doc: Captain Angry-Eyes ate one of those!! We have to protect the public!

Captain: Uh, would you excuse me a moment, sir? (leaves)

Doc: People aren't going to think there's a real fish in chocolate! Captain Angry-Eyes thought it was an almond! They're bound to expect some sort of mock cod!

Grian: (outraged) MOCK fish!?! We use NO artificial additives or preservatives of ANY kind!

Doc: Well you need to put some sort of warning!

Grian: What about our sales? (Puts his arm around Ren's shoulder) 

Ren: Uh uh- don't drag me into this! You're the one who made them! (Shrugs him off) 

Doc: F*CK your sales! We've got to protect the public! Now what about this one? Berry Bunny (beat) Now, what sort of candy is that?

Grian: Oh, well. I went to a nearby desert and killed a bunch of rabbits. This time I actually cooked them, don't worry. Then I stole some berries that your foxes were holding. They....er.... they may have thrown up in the bucket I was using to collect the filling. So uh, it also contains fox barf.........

Doc: FOX Vomit!

Grian: Correct

Doc: It doesn't say anything about the vomit on the box!

Grian: But it does, on the bottom of the box right after CvabhaygreeghkFWBHJ

Doc: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it'd be more appropriate if the box had a large red label: "WARNING: FOX VOMIT!!!"

Grian: Our sales would plummet!

Doc: (screaming) Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary??!!

(Captain Angry-Eyes returns)

Doc: Like cacao beans, a very popular flavor apparently. Or just plain sweet berries!

Captain: (Throws up in a nearby potted plant)

Doc: (continuing) And what's this one? Bomb Cake? What does this one taste like?

Grian: Well you see, I had Mumbo help me use redstone to make it explode when you eat it. its very fun! Of course, Mumbo didn't know I'd actually distribute them! He just wanted one to give to Iskall the next time he gave him some ice. 

Doc: (stunned) Where's the fun in THAT?!? If people put a candy into their mouth, they don't expect to die!!! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweet I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the base.

Grian: (shrugs) Fair enough. 

(looks at the camera) Remember to Shop at Sahara!

Doc: And DON'T talk to the audience! (smacks the back of his head as they exit)

Captain Angry-Eyes: (Looking vaguely ill) If only the general public would take more care when trusting Grian, especially concerning food, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the server and we would spend less time having our stomachs pumped and sitting around in public restrooms. Thank you. 

(Here is your reminder that this is a joke, don't take it seriously, and if you want me to change something I am happy to have a civil discussion about it. Thanks!)